i have driven my PA away UPDATE 2/9!!!!

[sosadtoday92]

Has anyone's reactions to their PA pushed them away? I have been supportive, educated, understanding, loving. But, this addiction has really messed me up. I have become distrusting, insecure about myself, etc... I sometimes get mean and drunk and lash out at him. It used to happen when he was using. He is now in recovery and I promised him it would never happen again. It happened 2x this month. Everything was going so well with us. I must have anger bottled up inside.

Now that he is in recovery he is evaluating his life and its direction. He realizes he is not where he wants to be in life and most of all he is examining us. He now wants to move on.. he wants to have children one day, he no longer wants to get engaged and he does not want to be in a relationship like this- I had broke my promise for it to not happen again. I know this is all my fault and my reaction to alcohol and I broke a promise. I am going back to our counselor to focus on how the alcohol makes me react.

He has completely "checked out". Me, I listened to all of his doubts around me as a potential wife and mother and it was crushing. For the first time, I did not nor have I yet reacted (been 4 days). I said I understood his doubts and he has to figure it out. We have actually been very loving and around friends and family the last few days.

I dont think he has ever had to figure out real life without porn.
I dont know what to do.. let him perhaps recover from his doubts, because I brought them on OR ask him to leave until he figures it out. I think not asking him to leave diminishes my self respect, but letting him make his own decisions is what he needs to do.

Also, if you have driven your partner away by reactions what did you do.

[MiMi]

How long has he been in recovery for? If you lashing out at him 2 times when you promised you wouldn't makes him change his opinion of you then the problem isn't just you. Of course you are angry. He used P and was unfaithful to you in that regard, and now since he is in recovery everything is supposed to just be better?

I understand if he is thinking that in general your relationship isn't a healthy one. If he is basing this on the fact that you lash out and are angry because he has looked at P for your entire relationship I'd say he needs to have some empathy and understanding.

No you shouldn't be getting drunk and yes counseling for you is a good idea, but to say this is all YOUR fault is a lie.

Your relationship wasn't just unhealthy because of you. He was looking at P which is an unhealthy behavior, and it sounds like you had unhealthy behaviors also, but again YOU ARE NOT the only unhealthy one in this relationship. Please do no accept that you destroyed this relationship.

IMO you should seek counseling for yourself and he can do what he needs to do and then you guys can decide if its a good relationship or not.

[healedbylove]

I left a long reply on the other board, but one more thing. You did not drive your PA away.......He has been away for as long as he's been doing porn, and that was his choice.

[Nicodemus]

"My reactions have driven my porn addict away," sounds like the world's worse country song. It also sounds, uh, wrong. Like HBL said, that dude was gone a LONG time ago. He may not admit it, because it doesn't sound like he's in a position of humility- complete humility- yet to acknowledge how much of his life has been hi-jacked by the porn. In other words, IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT.

The drinking is your responsibility and, until you get control of that, he may feel there is really no reason for him to stop, or to feel as concerned about his addiction if you aren't concerned about yours. And if drinking makes you belligerent, even if you aren't compelled to drink at a frequency that would deem you medically an alcoholic, then you have a serious problem with alcohol. I have found, regardless, that drinking and this addiction don't always make for good bedfellows. My wife and I love to drink, for social reasons, and 95% of the time its great; 5% of the time can find us at each others throats. And thats humbling unto itself. We are generally mature enough to know that it was the alcohol and not us and we'll apologize, but its still not healthy.

Good luck.

[readytojump]

how could you be expected to react well? even if supportive of his recovery, you experienced a breach of trust...from my own personal experience, i felt cornerd like a wounded animal by my wife and lashed out at her...i was wrong, wounded and confused and scared, yes...but wrong all the same

i would wager that almost any PA reaction is fair and at least understandable...victims hurt and fear their assailers...you did nothing wrong...and perhaps you are better off w/o him.

love is a terrible thing to waste...and it its hard to learn that you have been deceived for a length of time.

i wish you wellness and strength

peace,
rtj

[drbob1a]

You've done what you could to support his recovery. And now you discover, you're human! You've made a few mistakes. PLEASE don't beat yourself up about that, you haven't driven him away. It's hard to know what an early recovering PA is actually thinking, or even if they are thinking rather than just reacting. Obviously, if he says he has to go, you have to let him. And he may realize that he's made a terrible mistake in a few weeks or months, he also may not be truly in recovery and just trying to protect his dysfunction by running. No way to know. I don't think you're under any obligation to share a roof with him if he's not supporting you, and I rather suspect that any hope for a long term healing of the relationship will not be affected one way or the other by asking him to leave. When you run that scenario in your mind (please leave until you get this worked out, I love and support you but it's killing me having you hear, saying what you are), how does it feel?

[Isis]

His fear of reality is what is driving him away imo. You're reactions are REAL, and they are expressive of the very REAL pain that he has created. Not to say that your bad behaviors are okay, they aren't. And it's your responsiblity to correct them and to learn how to manage and then eradicate your symptoms. But your reactions are what his USING p created, so whatever happened originated from HIM, and his choices. It's just that doesn't excuse our behavior, any more than anything we do being an excuse for them to use p and abuse us these ways. When a guy is under the influence of p lies, then they seem to expect wives to just say "okay then", and when we don't, it tends to freak em out, and they try to run from the reality of the FACT that p is hurtful, it is cheating. Only he can say what's really going on with him, and unfortunately it's not likely that he even has a clue yet. He'd have to get a lot more p lies out before he can begin to get honest about what's really going on here, and what' he's realling running from. He's runing from the truth that p hurts women, and it hurts men too. He's not really running from you even thought it might look and feel like that imo. He's running from the truth, because that's what PAs do. Until or unless they get a clue that it's not us, or you, it's him and them there p/mb and abusive habits they otherwise engage in. I'm sorry for your pain, but you are experincing some normal and natural reactions to some serious abuse. And what he should be doing is changing his ways, not running away from the chaos HE created, or contributed to. I know it feels like he's rejecting you and blaming you, but that's what addicts do. They blame shift EVERYTHING on to other ppl, and it becomes all about never being exposed to truth or painful emotions. He's hiding from his emotions, and that often looks like them running away from ours.

[sosadtoday92]

Let me give everyone who has been an amazing help to my sanity and broken heart a big thank you and air kiss. MY PA says he does not want drama, but with a PA it is ALL Drama.

This was my day today...

I went to see our amazing therapist.. love him.. he is a specialist in sex addiction and other addictions. We evaluated my drinking and he said I am not an alcoholic YAY! That from what it appears and we will dig deeper, I've been burying anger and he said he even noticed in our joint and individual sessions that I was clinical and loving and understanding, but I was never angry. That even though there was nothing happening with us negatively, I reacted in drunken anger because it was still buried within me. Even people WITHOUT an alcohol problem have this happen to them. I am not going to drink through this difficult time to keep my sense of balance. He thinks I will be able to have a few wines or beers. in the future, but liquor is a red light for me.

THEN.....
I get a text from my PA who says "I need to see the Dr" nothing more. I also got texts from verizon saying someone was changing our online password for our cells. I thought it was a hacker and let my PA know all our new info. He said it was him trying to get new ringtones. LIES! How can I not bury anger?? Then I got another text saying settings had been changed. I went home and checked everything and guess what settings were changed? PARENTAL CONTROLS!!!! I then looked at the MB internet usage and it was off the hook for today- 30MB in an hour. So he relapsed with the stress. I am not going to say anything. For once. He on;t tell me anyway, he never does. I find out, I confront, he lies, he cries. Let "the one" for him do that dance.

I actually feel good. I may not be the one for him. But, I am facing my problem and it feels good! I know I may not feel good tomorrow, but where he made me feel awful by saying he saw no future and children with me.... I know that I am strong to tackle anything in my way!!!!! I may not feel that way tomorrow.. but I am living in the moment!!!
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