I'm looking for a check-in partner

A place for people working on their own addiction to post and share support, encouragement and recovery strategies. Partners of Addicts are strongly urged not to post on this forum.

Re: I'm looking for a check-in partner

Postby tryinghard on Sat Jul 31, 2010 12:07 pm

Howdy Boys,

Sorry I haven't been here a few days, been very busy. As I caught up I realized something--ICAN is already at 11 days. That's amazing! Congratulations. Now keep working, it's soooo worth it.

Not much to report here. Should be much less busy by Monday. Everyone have a good weekend, clean too, ok? I read something really good last night in a book I was reading that I wanted to share--but I can't get it now for fear of waking the Mrs. We both must have been amazingly tired last night because I slept in until...8:43 a.m. The longest I've slept in since I (one time!) was a child. :shock:

Ia this me getting old? Or did it have something to do with PMILS (post-mother in law stress--and, yes, I will PM you two the horrid details). Or perhaps all that work I did at the lot (swinging pick, lugging rocks, digging and planting trees). :D

Still kicking. Just love being able to post here with my buds. Hugs and kisses from the west side! And Bluesy, learn to love that cubie! Decorate, decorate man!


Ron
tryinghard
Tribal Elder
 
Posts: 771
Joined: Sun May 18, 2008 10:02 am
Location: August 22, 2209

Re: I'm looking for a check-in partner

Postby notalone on Sat Jul 31, 2010 11:00 pm

Hey All,

I'm not only checking in sober, but happy to report I'm now 6 months sober! :D
This is a milestone for me as it was my last glass ceiling until my final one of a full year goal. Of course, this is much more than just not looking at porn, but a whole new way of life, dealing with things, isolating emotions from actions and having actions be values based, etc. Although this is significant for me, I feel like I've just now scratched the surface.

ICAN, great going on your sobriety. Don't discount beginnings, that is huge to go that far clean just starting out like you, so great job!

Ron, always good to hear from you! Wow, almost 9am... it's amazing, but I never sleep in that long anymore either but worked the night shift for years and got up at noon for a long time. Can't hardly imagine it now, of course, can't hardly imagine staying up past 10:30pm anymore! :mrgreen: Yep, age and stress, no doubt about it. I had a real busy week at work this week, including having to work a bit earlier than normal Friday, plus our faithful doggie woke me up earlier than needed then too, so I was down for the count early last night and didn't get up til almost 8. Our bods need there rest... hope yours gets enough soon, too, Blues, as you seem to always come up short on rest and sleep.

Also, funny you mentioned to Blues about decorating the cubie... it does help. With mine, I'm at a point now where it's just too hot and stuffy in there to be in there any more than necessary, and thank God I can do most of my job outside it and I don't need to be in there very much at all, so I'm lately regarding it as my "storage area". Even took down a bunch of personal decor because some of my stuff I felt too nice for that "hell hole"! I don't know what the answer is to cubie survival, but I'm also open for advice on that one. What really sucks about it is I HAD my own office for 8 years prior. Well, such is life. It's not that I did anything wrong to be in cubie land, the company just expanded locally and hired several new people and they needed the room. So, that's all good. Job security is job 1! :mrgreen:

Have a great weekend, everyone!

NA
Isolate your emotions from your core identity!

Overcoming urges:
Realize urges are caused by emotions.
Emotions are finite, they pass.
Act by values, not emotions, as this results in long term and greater emotional satisfaction.
Hold on, let the fleeting emotions pass, and they will.
Obey your action plan.

sober since 1/31/10
no middle circle behaviour since 8/31/10

My journal: viewtopic.php?f=5&t=4644
User avatar
notalone
Tribal Elder
 
Posts: 793
Joined: Sat Aug 16, 2008 7:51 pm
Location: arriving where sobriety is the norm

Re: I'm looking for a check-in partner

Postby iCanUseSomeHelp on Sun Aug 01, 2010 9:07 am

So what's so bad about being in a cubical? I'm about to start a job in a cubical...I was actually kinda lookin forward to it...they're kinda large...comfortable chairs, best I can tell.

This is a catch-up post...Day 12, 288 hours, working on "To achieve, be satisfied, then to be happy, then to endeavor to achieve more"...and also applying this value-set to intimacy. You cannot achieve perfect intimacy right away: It's a process with milestones of success

...also working on MC leering.

Later on tonight I'll check in with my Day 13.
iCanUseSomeHelp
New Member
 
Posts: 41
Joined: Sun Jul 18, 2010 9:03 pm

Re: I'm looking for a check-in partner

Postby notalone on Sun Aug 01, 2010 10:00 am

So what's so bad about being in a cubical?


Besides the noise, the smell...?

Small and cramped.
Well, for me, I had my own office with real walls and ceiling with a door that locked for 8 years. My old office was 10' X 10'. I've since been exiled to a "cubie room" that is about 12' x 12' with TWO OTHER cubies in it.

No privacy whatsoever.
These all face the walls, hence, our computer screens are wide open for anyone in the room to see.

Hot and Stuffy.
I hate hot temperatures and more often than not, it's hot and stuffy in there, especially when my 2 co workers are in there, which is often enough. Plus, both of them tend to close the door in this very small area making it like an oven in there.

Conversations.
One co-worker is very strange and says stupid things a lot, but thinks she's real smart. She also has no work ethic whatsoever, which is bad for me, as I basically end up doing her job when she doesn't. When their both in there, they yap and yap like women do. They are both in their late 20s, so, like, you like, can like, just like, imagine, like, what the, like, conversation like, intelligence level like, that is! (ever notice the younger set, especially women say "like" at random spots during conversation more than the topic?)

Noise.
Believe it or not, the outside of the cubie room noise is less than my old office, however, without any privacy and not being able to see people coming in, they can easily sneak up on me with my headphones on, which is basically a necessity in that room.

Inner Noise.
The co-worker I like (less stupid of the two) has this very annoying habit of tapping her feet loudly on the chair mat. She does this about constantly. I talked to her about this enough to give up on it as ever stopping. That, plus a few other regular annoying noises in there including the already mentioned conversations.

Outer Noise.
Even if nobody's in our cubie room at the time, the guy across the hall's TV/computer/whatever the hell he has on all day is disturbing. If he's not there, it's my boss's loud and obnoxious cough all day in the office next to his. He also asks me things from in there, shouting across the hall. Then, the main boss, who I "affectionately" call "Little Hitler" is just 2 doors down and I can hear everything he says in his office if his door is open, therefore he can hear everything us little people say in our cubie room! Therefore, anything I say in there I need to be aware he can probably hear it. He's a hard ass. Then, the woman next to the guy with the tv has frequent emotional outbursts, but these are at least mostly entertaining. Then, next to her, is the guy I used to have my old office next to who is "noise personified". He has a toy that sings, people come in to visit him all day talking loud, he has his stupid phone on speaker phone and although is in charge of the phone system we've had for 10 years, still doesn't just enter the numbers right away but listens to all the annoying prompts.

Neighborhood.
All this, plus, my cubie is next to the men's room wall. Again, this can be entertaining at times, but is more gross than funny.


THAT's what's wrong with my cubie!

Hope yours and Blue's and every one else's is better than mine. Thanks for the opportunity to vent!

Checking in sober and glad I ain't at work today,

NA
Isolate your emotions from your core identity!

Overcoming urges:
Realize urges are caused by emotions.
Emotions are finite, they pass.
Act by values, not emotions, as this results in long term and greater emotional satisfaction.
Hold on, let the fleeting emotions pass, and they will.
Obey your action plan.

sober since 1/31/10
no middle circle behaviour since 8/31/10

My journal: viewtopic.php?f=5&t=4644
User avatar
notalone
Tribal Elder
 
Posts: 793
Joined: Sat Aug 16, 2008 7:51 pm
Location: arriving where sobriety is the norm

Re: I'm looking for a check-in partner

Postby bluesman73 on Mon Aug 02, 2010 3:10 pm

NA....

thanks for making me feel better about my cube

It's not so bad.

Checking in clean and sober.

Stressed

the usual

i hope you guys are well
Analyze the weakness, use it, make it a strength.
No more mindless acts.
Addiction is passive. Recovery is active.
I'll respect women, even in my own mind.

Sobriety is measured in days. It is its own hard work.
Recovery is measured internally. It is how you feel about yourself. It is dealing with the real issues.

Started my active sobriety on October 8th, 2008.

Image

Journal at viewtopic.php?f=5&t=5613
User avatar
bluesman73
Tribal Elder
 
Posts: 630
Joined: Wed Oct 08, 2008 4:13 pm

Re: I'm looking for a check-in partner

Postby notalone on Mon Aug 02, 2010 6:20 pm

Hey Blues,

Glad it helped! It's probably not quite as bad as I made it sound, but I enjoy not being in there more than being in there! Really hope your's goes well and your current challenges get all ironed out.

Sober here... working on clean mind heading for less to no mb.

Be well, everyone!

NA

p.s. how long does it take everyone else's posts to posts lately?
Isolate your emotions from your core identity!

Overcoming urges:
Realize urges are caused by emotions.
Emotions are finite, they pass.
Act by values, not emotions, as this results in long term and greater emotional satisfaction.
Hold on, let the fleeting emotions pass, and they will.
Obey your action plan.

sober since 1/31/10
no middle circle behaviour since 8/31/10

My journal: viewtopic.php?f=5&t=4644
User avatar
notalone
Tribal Elder
 
Posts: 793
Joined: Sat Aug 16, 2008 7:51 pm
Location: arriving where sobriety is the norm

Re: I'm looking for a check-in partner

Postby iCanUseSomeHelp on Mon Aug 02, 2010 7:41 pm

Well....I can only hope my experience is better...I might recommend earplugs...I LOVE them...I go into my own (big) world...lol. On the train, studying, it just shuts everything out. But, you can still HEAR things...if somebody walked up to you and said your name, you'd hear...or if your phone rang...etc....but weird noises down the hall...noises outside a few feet without any bass...yea, you'd be set... :) Suggestion. Make sure they are good ear plugs...you want one with a 30+ NRR (noise reduction rating).

Day 14, 336 hours, checking in, clean and sober....

I feel like the relationship with my first "girlfriend" may be wanning a bit...maybe we just have to give it room, maybe we'll just see. Getting ready to be strong if I have to... I really wouldn't know what a wanning relationship would feel like, or one that is going well...

A couple of girls I've been talking to at the new job....well, one likes me but has a boyfriend...what am I supposed to do with that?? The other...well she likes me too, but she's WAY uptight...e.g. she doesn't drink...(and she's 24...)...so, if she "likes" me, she may not even know what that means. But I like her....

All the same story, working on anti-perfectionism and seeing people with their own lives...I've been slouching, however, in those pursuits...getting lax.
iCanUseSomeHelp
New Member
 
Posts: 41
Joined: Sun Jul 18, 2010 9:03 pm

Re: I'm looking for a check-in partner

Postby tryinghard on Tue Aug 03, 2010 10:40 am

Hi Guys,

Been crazy busy the past few days, so I've been lax in posting, and RN work, and all the stuff I need to be doing. Priorities, priorities--and work shouldn't be the number one for me, but it was. So I'm back on the schedule. Hope all are well.

NA, courage. Thanks for the funny and cranky description of your cubicle. :D

Blues, stop stressing. That's easy to say, I know, but it's a killer. These things will pass. You're a pretty lucky guy.

ICAN, does it make someone uptight if they don't drink? (slight slap on the wrist from afar: :mrgreen: ). I don't drink and...well...just given the fact that I'm posting here (porn addiction) should suggest that I'm not uptight? :shock: That's pathetic and funny at the same time.

OK, back to it. Time to do a quick RN look. The last two chapters have been bleh ones, but I have to muddle through. It can't all be gold.


Ron
tryinghard
Tribal Elder
 
Posts: 771
Joined: Sun May 18, 2008 10:02 am
Location: August 22, 2209

Re: I'm looking for a check-in partner

Postby iCanUseSomeHelp on Tue Aug 03, 2010 9:26 pm

Hey Ron....

Well you have a point...I actually like this girl, I know we have something going on....I'm very comfortable with her and she with me...and I really think she's cute, like respectable cute, adorable cute, and hot cute....if only I could read her mind. You know, because if I ask her out, and she says no...well, we take the same train, lol...it could get awkward...I dunno.

But today, in my post, I have some ground to cover...I think I am going to use letter points.

a) Things are shaky with the "girlfriend"...she says "you do know that I like you", but says she still has feelings for her ex, wants to "sort things out" and thinks we are moving to fast...all this comes up when I asked her, hey, what do you think our status is here...so, as I suspected, our status isn't great...what I did wrong, if anything, I don't know...but our having more sex is not guaranteed...at least not this week, because she's going away next weekend.

b) As a consequence of a), I am ready to bring back some M...as I said in earlier posts, I didn't really see this transformation I was undergoing as a never-m-again kinda deal...my disgust is with P, not M. (Of course if you M, that brings up the question, what are you thinking about....)

c) Overall, a problem, possibly...I feel myself slipping. Today on the train I had just this crazy erection for this youngish girl sitting in front of me...I felt like I just wanted to "take her"....this is in contrast to my earlier thoughts about leering...this wasn't leering so much as an urge...I don't want to say there is anything wrong with having urges...but, urges like this could lead to P, and, especially considering a) (i.e. the less-then-ideal course of my intimate relations), could "crowd out" my healthier, more intimate sexual disposition. So, take that girl on the train whom I like, with whom I'm developing intimacy...I wish I could just want to "take" her"...I mean, who said ALL intimate sex had to be..."boring"? Right? Don't tell me there is something fundamentally non-intimate and non-evolved about these kind of primal, possessive sexual urges...that would make me feel broken.

d) I had a dream. I suspect I am angry at women. And sometimes I suspect I get "preemptively" angry and pretty women. Why? Fear of rejection. Oversensitivity. This anger, which is usually well-hidden, but I suspect it is there and got stoked a little bit after the conversation with the "girlfriend". I think this is the kind of insecurity that P is designed to salve.

e) Good news. In my dream, which, together with some introspection today, lead me to suspect d), I actually felt (really FELT: it was the strongest emotion I ever remember feeling in a dream) highly empathetic to the stepmother at whom I had been devastatingly verbally-abusive for no reason other than my own hurt from a). So, that means I'm not a psychopath. Thank God.

(You can see I frequently worry about whether I am "broken"..."am I a psychopath? am I sexually perverted? am I neurologically faulty? (see me talking with Ron about NLVD)...that's another thing that I'm kind of well aware of but which I just can't "fix"...it's weird...it's like, having the knowledge, what do you do with it?...It's almost as if...

I know what's "wrong" with me...or, not wrong, but just out of sorts...but that out-of-sorts-ness is so familiar to me, I really know it more than I know how to bring my things back into sorts...so the out-of-sorts-ness just remains by default...like a default dysfunction, like an engine that runs but knocks.

So, Day 15, 360 hours, working on: coming up with, and implementing, daily, solid strategies for bending my mental habits into the directions in which I recognize they ought to go.

And you know, before I close this post out, I just remembered a thing a psychology professor once told me. To paraphrase: "These psychologists, psychotherapists, all of whom have to be psychoanalyzed themselves to be declared a bona-fide psychoanalyst in the "psychoanalytic" school of thought, get really kinda arrogant, basically, because they discover all their insecurities and their root distortions and they kinda just know about 'um and sap them of all their power...you talk to them and they seem like they can't be insecure anymore...it's really kind of annoying". Maybe it's just about bringing these things into the light. Like, literally, forcing them into your mind when you are trying to run away from them. What would happen if, on the train with this girl tomorrow, I forced into my mind, while she talked and I looked at her face thinking how cute her lips were, the thought "so you're a sex addict, you know"...I wonder how that would feel...what if I forced the same thought into my mind when I looked into her eyes...what if...a year after we fall in love, I force the same thought into my mind as I look into her eyes, and I say it?

Maybe I need to be intimate with myself before I can be intimate with another.
iCanUseSomeHelp
New Member
 
Posts: 41
Joined: Sun Jul 18, 2010 9:03 pm

Re: I'm looking for a check-in partner

Postby RichBlack on Wed Aug 04, 2010 12:58 am

Hey, ICAN. Is it ok if I share some of my thoughts about your last post? A few things caught my eye as potential for a slip.
iCanUseSomeHelp wrote:but our having more sex is not guaranteed...at least not this week, because she's going away next weekend.
Personally, I don't think that casual sex is a good thing for you right now, because of how early you are in recovery. But that is just my opinion. What is really important is this: what do you think about when you are having sex? Be honest about it. Is there a connection, strong feelings, etc. Or is it numb?
iCanUseSomeHelp wrote:I am ready to bring back some M...as I said in earlier posts, I didn't really see this transformation I was undergoing as a never-m-again kinda deal...my disgust is with P, not M.
For most PAs mb is part of the addiction, it is the hit. Most recommend that a period of detox is completed for at least a few weeks.
iCanUseSomeHelp wrote:.I felt like I just wanted to "take her"
Think about that for a minute. I mean, really think about that. You were thinking about her as an object, instead of a person.
iCanUseSomeHelp wrote:I wish I could just want to "take" her"...I mean, who said ALL intimate sex had to be..."boring"? Right? Don't tell me there is something fundamentally non-intimate and non-evolved about these kind of primal, possessive sexual urges...that would make me feel broken.
Sex isn't about possessiveness. It is about a connection between two people who love each other. A person isn't a possession. That is a P lie that builds up as we use. These lies have to be thrown out as part of the process. Keep up the good work!!! :)

Rich
RichBlack
Tribal Elder
 
Posts: 871
Joined: Fri Feb 20, 2009 2:13 am

PreviousNext

Return to Recovering From Addiction

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: Google [Bot] and 1 guest

cron
info about download aveyond 3.