Reactions driven your PA away- UPDATE 2/9!!!

[sosadtoday92]

Has anyone's reactions to their PA pushed them away? I have been supportive, educated, understanding, loving. But, this addiction has really messed me up. I have become distrusting, insecure about myself, etc... I sometimes get mean and drunk and lash out at him. It used to happen when he was using. He is now in recovery and I promised him it would never happen again. It happened 2x this month. Everything was going so well with us. I must have anger bottled up inside.

Now that he is in recovery he is evaluating his life and its direction. He realizes he is not where he wants to be in life and most of all he is examining us. He now wants to move on.. he wants to have children one day, he no longer wants to get engaged and he does not want to be in a relationship like this- I had broke my promise for it to not happen again. I know this is all my fault and my reaction to alcohol and I broke a promise. I am going back to our counselor to focus on how the alcohol makes me react.

He has completely "checked out". Me, I listened to all of his doubts around me as a potential wife and mother and it was crushing. For the first time, I did not nor have I yet reacted (been 4 days). I said I understood his doubts and he has to figure it out. We have actually been very loving and around friends and family the last few days.

I dont think he has ever had to figure out real life without porn.
I dont know what to do.. let him perhaps recover from his doubts, because I brought them on OR ask him to leave until he figures it out. I think not asking him to leave diminishes my self respect, but letting him make his own decisions is what he needs to do.

Also, if you have driven your partner away by reactions what did you do.

[healedbylove]

It sounds like your PA is setting good boundaries for himself around the alcohol abuse. I can relate, because alcohol became my "misery stabilizer" during the really crazy times after D-day. You have mentioned your partner wanting children. This is huge. That is an issue that can be a deal breaker. There really can't be a compromise on it. I can understand him evaluating raising children in a relationship where alcohol use is out of control. It's really a healthy sign for him to be setting boundaries around the alcohol use. He's standing for something that's good and healthy. I'm glad you're getting help in counseling for the alcohol abuse. It may mean that he wants and needs to move on. I know how excrutiating that is, but in the end, love brings peace, because ultimately we want our lovers to be happy. It's hard to trust them to a destiny that doesn't include us. That's what I've had to do over the last few years, but I can promise you that love prevails. I really understand your anguish.....(((HUGS)))

My situation with my husband involved lots of volatility, him leaving, being unreachable, completely checking out. It sent me into major tailspins which I would then try to manage with alcohol. Of course, that didn't work. At the same time that I was trying to stabilize, he was playing a lot of games around the whole porn thing. Ultimately, I realized that in order for me to stabilize, I had to ask him to leave. I absolutely could not deal with the lies and the games being played in counseling. He refused to disclose anything other than to tell me that 80% of what he had told me up to that point had been lies. So, I asked him to leave, and drew my boundary lines. You have to determine what your bottom line values are, what boundaries you must set to be true to yourself so that you can get strong emotionally and how you're going to protect those boundaries. I am currently living a life with no "misery stabilizers". I'm healthy and happy and have never been more hopeful in my life.

You will make it through this. I know you love this man tremendously...That can never be taken away from you. You'll make it through one step at a time. If he were to tolerate your alcohol abuse and abusive behavior, he would not be loving you.

[healedbylove]

I re-read your post. You have been very loving around family and friends the last few days. That's hopeful. Be kind and gentle with yourself. The things you are dealing with are huge. I can tell you not to panic, and I know how crushing all of this is. My husband has said some absolutely horrendously crushing things to me. I wonder how much alcohol and drug abuse go hand in hand with porn. I suspect a lot. He was porning. You were drinking to handle the pain. You are both going to get well now. You are both going to need to do your healing work. One thing for sure is that if you don't do your own work, the relationship won't ever work. So, you can't lose by getting well and addressing your relationship with alcohol while he addresses his relationship with porn. In the end, you can't help but be more loving and healthy if you do your work. You can be motivated by a desire to become the healthiest person you can be in preparation for a healthy relationship, regardless of whether it ends up being with him or not. There's nothing you can do to get away from the pain of this. You have to go through it and learn the lessons that are here to learn. You can do that...one step at a time. I found that the work I had to do wasn't that hard. All I had to do was start really loving myself and all my wounded parts, pampering myself, forgiving myself and letting in all the good stuff. You have unexpressed grief and sorrow. Expressing that is good. I had to cry for hours every day for awhile I had so much I had buried with all of my own "misery stabilizers". I had used religion as one of my "misery stabilizers". I had to just be with my deepest losses and sorrows and really honor them instead of running away from them or hiding. It's actually been very manageable once I drew good solid boundaries. One of my boundaries is "no misery stabilizers" and getting out of the misery inducing situation.

It may be that your relationship right now is a misery inducing situation. If you both are setting boundaries...him with porn (no porn) and you with alcohol (no alcohol) and you can get enough space to do your work without inducing any more misery than what has already been....you may find a wonderful relationship together down the line. Right now, the emphasis has to be on individual healing. It sounds like you both feel that living together may be counter-productive right now. If you were hiding in alcohol and he was hiding in porn, you really have not yet had a real relationship. So, you're going to be just getting to know each other in some ways for the first time. Be gentle and kind to yourself. You can't be too kind to yourself. That's what will heal you.

[TooSensitive]

SOS, I know all this is so painful. I, too, at times, have self-medicated...but this is what I had to do - this is what HE drove me to do. I noticed that when I was out having drinks with friends, all I would have is one or two at most; and sometimes I had NONE AT ALL, even though I could have easily ordered a drink, being in a place with a liquor license; but when I was around him, I would need to drink, and have much more within the same timeframe.

So though I will take responsibility for my drinking at times, it was a typical reaction to what was going on in my life, and all the pain he was causing me. I hope you don't take to heart too much of what he has said to you. I am not trying to get you to where you aren't taking any responsibility for your drinking; but please understand that is not uncommon when dealing with this. Please don't beat yourself up over it; you've been through enough already. There are plenty of partners here who have done the exact same thing.

I will say that in terms of your recovery, continual drinking will hamper that. I believe you will have a much easier time of things for yourself if you DON'T drink. Face what's going on, so you can learn how to deal with it; b/c when we drink so much, that too is an escape mechanism (can you blame us for wanting to do that?) - just as their PA/SA is an escape mechanism for them. And drinking can cause more depression in turn, after the fact - more depression than we might have otherwise.

In the past, before dealing with this, I really would only drink recreationally, with friends; if I was facing a problem or feeling stressed, those were the times when I was LEAST likely to have a drink. To get through the problem, I wanted to have all my wits about me.

So increased drinking on my part, and drinking to numb and avoid all the pain, and drinking just to be able to get through an evening with him, became the norm at times; for awhile, it was the only way I could cope at all with anything.

I hope that as you work on you, you can set your own boundaries, with him - and certainly with yourself. When you say, "this addiction has really messed me up", are you referring to his SA, your own issues with alcohol abuse, or both?

I know for a long time I felt "really messed up" b/c of his SA; but my therapist kept telling me that I wasn't messed up, that I was stronger than I could see, and that I would get through all of this; and she was right. Yeah, I was really messed up for a time; but I'm not so messed up now. I still have a long way to go, but I am doing far better than I was. But this happened as a direct result of my doing things for me - and completely taking the focus off him and his recovery and what he was or wasn't doing.

The thing is, I don't know how you or he could possibly blame all his doubts on you and your alcohol use; I mean, look at all he's done to you! You were traumatized by his PA; and you reacted in a very typical way. Not saying that it's healthy to drink like that; but it is not uncommon.

Now, you recognize it; and now, you can do something about it. But please don't blame his doubts on your drinking. If anything, he should be sticking around to help YOU get through that, after all you've done for him already. But if he's not willing to, I say, good riddance, and don't let the door hit you on the way out! I know you don't feel that way right now; but I do hope you are able to feel better about all this soon and let it go.

Sometimes, the more we do for them, the more we end up pushing them away. It doesn't make any sense, but that's how it seems to work so often. The more I tried to help him (b/c he asked me for that), the more resistance I was met with. The more he asked me what he needed to do to make things better, and the more I told him what needed to be done - b/c he asked - the less likely it was that it would happen. I was at my wit's end; have you felt like that too at times?

Now that I have let it go - and I really no longer care whether he recovers or not - the easier my life has become for me. I am not doing anything whatsoever to help him; but instead, I am now helping myself.

However, my situation is quite different from yours, b/c he has not left - even though I got to the point where I found myself wishing he would leave - and I didn't care if he did leave.

So at times, things I've done have pushed my SA away. Things that were meant to build emotional intimacy were completely ignored; and things that he himself asked me to do in terms of helping him in his recovery have pushed him away.

I do remember one night I was standing at the kitchen counter, making myself a drink, and I noticed that his head was buried in the corner; and I felt as though he was disgusted by the mere sight of me making a drink. But how contradictory that was, when he himself drinks a bit himself, and was even doing so that night.

I know it seems you brought his doubts on; but I don't believe that, myself. I mean, how recovered is he, really?

I just don't think this is "all your fault". And please think about all the promises I'm sure he's broken over time, yet you somehow managed to overlook all that and stay with him throughout all the times he's managed to mess up.

Please don't put all this on your own shoulders; he needs to take some responsibility here, too. It may be in your best interest to ask him to leave until he does figure it out; IMO, you need to do what is best for YOU - not what is best for him.

Of course you feel mistrusting and insecure about yourself; this is what living with a PA/SA does to a partner. But you can get better; it just takes time and hard work on our part. You need to start doing things for yourself - things that make you feel good about yourself. Doing those things for you may not make you feel better at first; but give it time, and it is sure to happen. Yeah, you'll still have bad days; but they will become easier to manage.

I remind myself of this saying I read a very long time ago, when someone I love has gone out of my life..."If you love someone very much, let them go free. If they never return, they were never meant to be yours; and if they do return, love them forever". I know, I know, easier said than done. But you will survive; and if things don't work out the way you'd like, you will learn to love another again, when the time is right.

Your life is not over - your life is just beginning. You may look back on this one day and say to yourself, "WHAT was I thinking, when I thought I wanted to stay with him?". Remind yourself of all the BS he's put you through (I know he has); use that to give you strength to get by - use that to your advantage, if you can; b/c why would you want to stay with someone who does those things to you? You deserve so much more than that.

HBL is right - you will both need to do your healing work now. It is the only way. And I know you will come out better at the other end, whether or not he is in your life at that time.

[sosadtoday92]

THANK YOU SO MUCH, BOTH OF YOU!!! It was like hearing big sisters speak words of wisdom.

I am going to print out your words and read them as often as I need too. Everything rang true to me and I feel a little bit stronger because of it.

[luvme]

I just had to post on this subject of alcohol. I started drinking to "cope" with my PA . . . and it just got worse and worse. Then, my H would use my drinking as an excuse for p. Anyway, between the extreme stress, alcohol, and just plain age (I'm 62), I had a stroke and quit drinking. After one year and getting over paralysis of my left side, I am a changed person. My H is still using p . . . probably more than ever. However, I value ME so much more than before. Sad to say, I don't think I would have quit drinking if something hadn't made me stop. I was in a TERRIBLE place and could not get out of it. I just want to say that I think I know what you are going through. You are probably much younger and the alcohol may not take it's toll for quite a while. I see now that I have invested way too much of myself in my H and his opinion of me . . . I think you know where I am going with this . . . These mind games will bring you down . . . I told my H he wouldn't like me when I'm sober . . . He doesn't . . . but now he can't blame me for his stupidity . . . There is so much more to life than stress and hangovers. How about this . . . Stay sober and take a good look at him with a clear head. Break the cycle . . . see what you really think of him . . . it may not be what you expect.

[luvme]

I just want to add, you are getting great advice. Toosensitive is right about drinking. My H would be so "disgusted" with my drinking while he spends hours on p. By the way, my H's health isn't so great either. I think his "lifestyle" is taking it's toll. Go figure.

[mo4wo1]

My reactions have not pushed him away. He's actually tolerated far more from me than he probably should have. That could be said about us both, actually. He and I both tolerated a lot from each other. There was a lot to forgive on both sides.

Dear, I feel for you. If he thinks he's better off without you, so be it. At the very least, hopefully, you can finally get some peace away from his behaviors so you can catch your own breath & move on to a better life.

I do find it ironic when someone so sick like this gets well enough to refuse to be sick again. They spend so many years & so much energy demanding we treat them this way & that, demanding we basically be sick too. But when we get sick, they refuse to "indulge" us for one sec.

But that's what healthy minded people are supposed to do.

[Isis]

My h's fear of intimacy drives him away from all ppl. Sometimes our insisting on non sexual intimacy seems to "drive them away" but really it scares them and so they run. It's not always something we've done, and our behavior on our worse day is no worse than theirs on their best day, generally. Usually what drives them away is our realness. Ppl who are trying to dwell in fantasyland have a really hard time when we won't "wear" their projections for us. Granted once the symptoms are in us though, and we're lashing in pain, then it's our responsibility to address it, not there. I know their bad behaviors affect us really bad, and the pain causes us to lash out. But it's our resposniblity to learn how to manage our pain, and to develop better coping skills whether they ever do or not. Our reactions are natural and normal to intense emotional pain, so when it starts with their abuse, then most of it is on them imo. And a lot of the rejection that we face is the result of them running from the truth, and we just happen to be the messengers. When they can't slay the messengers in the manipulative ways, then they tend to run away from us. And while our bads are our problem, and something we need to address, those are usually only the surface reasons they say, and it's really just another way of trying to avoid the real issues imo.

[WantToHeal]

To further add to the drinking part - SOS, does your PA enable you? Does he ask you each night if you want a drink? I am just wondering how enabling or how manipulative he might be, without your being aware (that may not be the case, though - I don't know). Does he also drink? Did he ever drink with you? Or does he completely refrain from that?

Mine asks me every single night if I want a drink; and I've been telling him adamantly and with conviction, "no!". In fact, having a drink hasn't even occurred to me up to that point; it is him who usually ends up putting the idea in my head. But it's been very easy to say no, and I am not struggling to "not have a drink". I know it is b/c I am feeling much stronger emotionally, feeling much better about myself, and I have detached from him and the BS of his SA in so many ways. I no longer feel such a need to escape from anything.

But these days, I am steps ahead of him; I feel he wants to encourage me to drink, b/c he knows it is not good for me to do; and in fact, he is trying to use that as just another form of manipulation and sabotage toward me. I don't trust one thing he says or does any longer.

SOS, be strong - don't drink - and do things for you. Please do your best to let him go, at least for the time being; you can always revisit the notion of him and of having a relationship with him later on, after you've had some of your own healing and recovery; and after he gets more of that for himself, too. At that point, you will both be thinking more clearly; and you will both be in a better position to make informed decisions about your future.

After you are thinking more clearly, you may very well decide that after all, he is not the man for you. I know how hard it is to let someone go, when you already have a history with them.

What else are you doing for your recovery, besides going to counseling? Which is very important, btw; that will probably help you more than anything else.

Spending time with family and friends has also been very important for me; even if I cannot tell them all of what's going on, it is refreshing to get out of the house and out of the SA cloud, at least for a little while; but that only works for me if I don't include him in my plans.