Do sexual predilections change as SA's recover?

[skyangel23]

I'm not sure exactly how to word this. My SA's porn searches were predominantly "teen". Of course they were all legal, i.e. the 'barely legal' name of several of the sites, but the fantasy is that they are younger,

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which is why they are dressed up in pig tails and have teddy bears on their beds.

When I used the Snitch free trial after just finding out, a few of the videos were

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of school girls in uniforms in a classroom, performing sex acts on a man lying on a desk.

I'm sorry for the details, but my SA is a teacher. I have nightmares about those videos. He insists that he is not into teens, but he liked the skinny body type they all share. He also insists he watched

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the schoolgirl videos

only to test himself to make sure he didn't like it, and he didn't watch the whole thing.
a) This sounds like BS to me, of the worst kind. I feel like he is still lying. But is he lying because he is not truly in recovery, or because he is simply too terrified that I will leave him if he tells me this is what he likes (liked). Or could he possibly be telling the truth?
b) He also says he is out of the p fog (90 days clean yesterday), and that his desire for all that crap is gone and dead, for the p in general but also for all the "teen" and "young" filth. As the SA truly recovers, do they truly change the things that turned them on for years and years? Other examples besides just teen could be

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beastiality, girls with girls, homosexual acts, bondage, ect

. Does the desire for all that die and do they truly grow to hate it?

[mo4wo1]

Hi.

I want to respond so just to be safe, I'm going to just trigger the whole thing.

(((hugs)))

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I'm sorry for the details, but my SA is a teacher. I have nightmares about those videos.

I think I would too, dear. How incredibly scary!

He insists that he is not into teens, but he liked the skinny body type they all share. He also insists he watched the [blank] videos only to test himself to make sure he didn't like it, and he didn't watch the whole thing.
a) This sounds like BS to me, of the worst kind. I feel like he is still lying.

Just my thoughts, here... My opinion.

It's true that escalation can prompt a person to look at things they themselves would not want to do personally. So not everything viewed is necessarily "what they ultimately want", for real & beyond "the moment". It's not always a true indication of one's true tastes. And escalation can prompt a person to do things they know are wrong/unhealthy for them, things they would never do if healthy-minded & may never do again once healthy-minded. But honestly I say, trust you gut on this. You know him best. To me his explanation does not jive with what he actually did, what he was *doing*, what he did *several times*. He did more than "just look at the video" once. If looking at the pics weren't enough to turn him off from it...

But then again, maybe the video woke him up. I would look to whether he looked at those types of pictures still after the video-experience. My husband tried to use the "I was looking for..." excuse for one of his "sessions" on the computer. Thing was, he had actually found what he claimed he was looking for. If he had been telling the truth, the search beyond that would have been nonexistent! It was a lame & lazy lie, a knee-jerk excuse for what he did. Not the truth. (I got that later on during full disclosure. But we both knew I already knew the truth.)

At the very least, I say be prepared for the worst. Are you ready for that? Because if he *is* lying, his particular choices can very well ruin your own life! Some may see this as me fanning your fear. But the truth is with addiction, IMO, it is smart to be prepared for the worst. And IMO preparing means accepting the risk is there & then acting accordingly. He's already proven to you that he's capable of going that far already. And for all you know, he has hit illegal sites by mistake while in search of [blank]. IMO you really have to be careful.

But is he lying because he is not truly in recovery, or because he is simply too terrified that I will leave him if he tells me this is what he likes (liked). Or could he possibly be telling the truth?

Only he can tell you his motives. But your thoughts on this are reasonable, IMO. Whether he's in real recovery or not, is he doing enough that you feel safe with? Are his recovery efforts enough for you to feel safe, yet? If not, what will you do?

My husband lied to me in the beginning of his recovery efforts. He was afraid of losing me and that I would hate him. Also, my husband did tell me of one thing he did that he regretted. He was curious. He realized he did not like it, though, and that was it for him.

And there was a time where his recovery efforts felt like not enough for me. That's where my list of boundaries with consequences helped me feel safer.

As the SA truly recovers, do they truly change the things that turned them on for years and years?

and

Does the desire for all that die and do they truly grow to hate it?

I believe tastes can change for anyone. So, IMO, yes. His tastes may have changed. Whether he will ever hate it or not, I do not know. I am sure some do & some never do.

What my husband preferred back then is what he prefers now. I happen to mostly look like what he preferred. The rest, I'll get there in time.

[Freeatlast]

only to test himself to make sure he didn't like it, and he didn't watch the whole thing.

Hi I feel he is lying big time. That is not about testing that he was doing IMO.

A PA/SA does not just sit at a computer viewing p. They also objectify and sexualize who they see in public and yes even at their jobs. It is very scary to think your H is viewing that and IMO lying to you about what he is really up to with viewing it. I would be extremely concerned about his desires as far as his students go for sure.

It is easy for you to want to be in denial and believe him and especially because this is very overwhelming to think he may be one of "those" teachers who are harmful to his students. I would not dismiss this and I would not believe him at all. I feel this is very dangerous for all concerned and especially those students he is around.

If I had a child who was taught by a teacher who viewed this stuff I would be extremely extremely angry and want them dismissed. He is not testing himself at all IMO. And even if he did it to test himself Why the need to test himself???

I feel you need to not go into any kind of denial and really set down some boundaries and get help for yourself to deal with this. He cannot get away with this kind of stuff no matter what and especially if he is a teacher

My ex worked in offices of all kinds.....schools for one and he used the people for p fodder. He was as much addicted to that as the p he viewed

Be careful and please do not go into denial over this. This is huge. God bless.

[skyangel23]

Thanks for your replies, Mo and Freeatlast.
I didn't know what to trigger or not, so I just triggered the whole reply.

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What do you ladies suggest as far as boundaries? I am thinking that he deserves a chance to prove he can recover and get healthy. There have been no slips that I'm aware of in the 90 days since D-day. He has put in a lot of time and effort into recovery every single day for the last three months. He's in therapy.

As a parent, the thought of the fantasy crossing into reality is terrifying. As an adult woman in the world, I'm also aware that our culture 'okays' this behavior. Naughty schoolgirl uniforms can be purchased on ebay and at any costume/halloween store. I have spent my share of time of various porn sites, and pretty much every single one has plenty of 'teen' pics/videos. And then you have the escalation that comes with addiction, where the addict looks at more and more extreme things that would normally revolt them. RN talks about this a lot.

I have seen about 300 pics/videos that I KNOW my SA looked at/downloaded, and only 2 were schoolgirl. So I do believe that the schoolgirl thing was not a predominate part of his fantasy life. But the fact that he even looked, when considering his job he should not have touched those videos with a ten foot pole, even in the midst of a/o, IMO. And yes, Freeatlast, why the need to test himself, indeed? I asked if he needed to 'test' himself with homosexual videos. Of course the answer was no. :-/

So yes, I think he is using a lazy, knee-jerk lie (thank you, Mo) to protect himself. And I think he is lying like your SA was, Mo, because he is afraid that I will hate him and/or leave him.

It is hard, because I do think he is working really hard in recover and for the most part, I am starting to feel safer. But the potential destruction of not only our marriage, but also his career, our children being traumatized due to the public humiliation, loss of friends and community, ect., ect. I absolutely do not think he would ever, ever touch a student. In the 18 years he's been addicted, nothing ever progressed beyond p, mb, and fantasy. But in this case just the fantasy is potentially devastating. Just the pictures, though of legal girls, because of their nature, could cause him to lose his job.

Because of the dangerous ramifications of the specifically school girl videos, I was thinking of making the boundary that if I catch anything like that again, I will personally take it to the school board, and they of course would then fire him. No in-house separations and all that. He deserves a chance to recover, but it is also my responsibility to protect my children and any other children who might ever be in harm's way because of his potential actions (however remote a possibility I feel that action may be) and my inaction, if he continues to a/o.

[Freeatlast]

And I think he is lying like your SA was, Mo, because he is afraid that I will hate him and/or leave him.

Hi, I feel that a PA/SA lies about there usage and what they view etc due to protecting themselves more than the SO. And also I do not feel even the threat of losing a job or being report etc will stop the addict from acting out or escalating if that is what they want to indulge in. But that said yes he may also have fear of you hating him and leaving and yes it may register concern for him to lose his job and also be charged for whatever.

I am glad he is into recovery like he is. It sounds like he is doing well with that. You also sound strong. I need to caution you that if you threaten him with reporting him and you find this kind of p again that you had better be totally prepared to go through with it. Because if you allow him to cross that boundary and do nothing but give him more chances then this will be a very dangerous thing to do and essentially is saying it is okay. And this kind of p is definitly NOT okay when he is a teacher and it puts the students in a dangerous situation.

You can never say never with someone who uses this stuff. There are many who do not think their partners could ever do this or that but it happens every day thousands and thousands of times.

My ex is a very scary case also and who is and has been very much looked up to and I myself would NEVER in a million yrs ever think he could do what I found he did and more than likely still does

So please be careful. God bless.

[skyangel23]

FreeAtLast,
I didn't mean it to be a threat, but a boundary that I will be putting in place to protect myself, my family, and other innocents. I know threats do little to keep an addict from a/o. I was thinking more along the lines of, there is room for grace in this serious instance only once, because of exactly what you said. People we think we know inside and out do horrific things we never thought possible. I am not using going to the school board as a threat, only as a consequence of such a serious breach of acceptable behavior. Because the potential consequences could affect more than just me, I could not in good conscience "forgive and forget" more than a single time. It would go against my values, very important ones.

Oddly (sadly?) enough, when I was seventeen years old I was the obsession of a very troubled, sexually addicted youth pastor at our church. Thankfully I had a wonderful father and no "daddy issues", or the sexual harassment, innuendos, and 'innocent' touching and back-rubs could have turned into much worse things. He wanted it to. I finally worked up the courage to tell my parents, and with their support, went before the the church board and the board of the local christian university (he worked for both). I had to say everything that happened in front of those people as well as the youth pastor and his sobbing wife. I did it so he wouldn't be able to hurt any other girls who were in more vulnerable situations.
So I know what it's like to be on the receiving end of dark fantasies creeping into 'real life'. Oh, and by the way, he'd done the same thing before at another church. Our church was warned before he was hired, and our pastors and church leaders did nothing.

I hope and pray my PA is in sincere recovery and I never find anything remotely like this again. However, I do believe I am strong enough to do what needs to be done if and when something happens. Thank you, Freeatlast. We are all responsible for the safety of children, whether or not they are 'ours'.

[Freeatlast]

Hi, I should not have used the word threat as I know it is a consequence and also a boundary. I feel I am thinking in different terms on this because of what he viewed and due to his teaching position. Sorry about that.

It must be very hard for you to be dealing with that kind of p and that he is a teacher after what you experienced.

I feel your strength and I am very glad he is getting help. Keep up the great work God bless you.

[wiperfocus]

As the SA truly recovers, do they truly change the things that turned them on for years and years? ...Does the desire for all that die and do they truly grow to hate it?

This could be a good question for the general discussion section if you want to put it out there.

[Gardener]

Sorry Ladies "Barely Legal" doesn't exempt it from possible child porn.

CHILD PORNOGRAPHY is the visual record of child sexual abuse. It is illegal worldwide. If you (or someone you know) is involved with child pornography, your needs exceed the scope of this board. Please seek professional help immediately. Perpetrators of child sexual abuse, including users of child pornography, will be reported immediately to law enforcement at http://www.missingkids.com.

Topic is locked. If you choose to ask the question

As the SA truly recovers, do they truly change the things that turned them on for years and years? ...Does the desire for all that die and do they truly grow to hate it?

In the general section, please do so without discussing specific types of pornography (worded as above is fine). They'll get the gist.