Pleas, God, restore my eyes

[jenny]

We all know that our husbands/BF's are not normal....they indeed are abbherant in all sense of the definition. Question: Does/Has anyone had experience and/or knowledge about

Trigger: Author has hidden potentially triggering text. Click to reveal.

transexuals,aka: men with breast implants, dudes with boobs, shemales, fully functional TS?

I have tangiable evidence that my husband has been paying for their services for 'years'...at least 2 that I have learned about. I am having an extremely difficult. My eyes have been exposed to things that are demonic. I can't erase these visions out of my head. I pray that one day God will restore my eyes and brain. I look at the world differently now......my social anxiety is spiraling to agoraphobia.

[Isis]

Yeah I've seen that filth, and a lot of us have asked is he gay? My take is that pornosexuality is a totally different sexuality than hetrosexuality that's for sure. Even when they perceive they are the doer, and think they are just watching the women, they are also watching men to. Our eyes take it all in, every word, and image on a page. It all gets absorbed no matter what we're "thinking". And mainstream p sites mix in the men pretending to be women and present them as if they are women. And then some guys end up unknowingly mb to images of men who they think are women, but their souls know the difference. They use guys like that imo, because they have a harder time getting women to do some of those abusive acts. And using p tends to make men extremely jealous of women, and then in some cases they start to think they want to be women. Also as they get desensitized to the various kinds, they have to look for new stimuli, so they end up going where the pornographers take them. I think the kind of p you're talking about, along with violent p, and the genre of the youngest legal adults are all three indications of more serious escalations.

A lot of us have the flashbacks, but they get better over time. It's a symptom of PTSD and so long as you work your recovery right your eyes will not only be restored but they will become able to see the love and beauty that surrounds us again while not being oblivious to these abuses anymore at the same time. It just takes time. Our systems go into some sort of shock imo. When the compartmental walls in our minds shatter then fragments of everything are running amuck everywhere. But eventually we sort it out and reorder our mental filing cabinets and that helps stop the flash backs.

And just so you know, the mods don't like us mentioning specific genres of p by their common p names even if they are put in the trigger boxes. So that's why I said, men pretending to be women, youngest legal adults rather than the T words. You don't have to be very descriptive in order for us to know what kind your refering to. I know it's very disturbing to discover that our partners are involved in such perversions. But they go where p goes, or where pornographers take and so it goes. As we add more info to what we know, we gain a better understanding of how and why that happens. It doesn't make it okay by any stretch of the word, but we can come to understand how they are being brainwashed in essence, and manipulated into going these places via the p. P is really the marketing of personality disorders. And so users tend to develop personality disorders, or if they have any sypmptoms already they get supersized. Pornographers want to feature things that men can't get from women because their goal is to sell p and that requires they hinder our attempts at healthy relationships. They know if men ever learn the differences between love and p, that they won't stay in the p, so there goal is to convince men that p is love, or dipictions of love, as freaking if it's not pure hate in action.

I know it's hard to image that the images would every go away, but God will restore your eyes, and he will restore the years that the locus have eaten. You'll come out of this better that you were before so long as you keep doing your own recovery work. Fortunately we don't have to be able to imagine it, nor understand how it works, in order to receive our new eyes. But we have to go thru the transition first, and that requires that a LOT of blinders come off first. And then we get the balm for it later.

I'm sorry that your h has fallen victim to the p plague and that you're hurting as a result and having those flashbacks. It will be okay, and you will come to terms with it in due time in new ways that will take the sting out of it a bit. And your eyes will be not only be restored, they will be opened wider than they've ever been before, not only to the bad, but also to the good. It just takes time to get thru the transitions and it feels like a curse at first, but it's really a blessing in disquise. I know we hate to know they would go some of these places, and do some of these things. It hard enough to accept it when they are just looking and mb, but when they are acting out in the flesh too, that's a giant boat load of cess pool doo we have to wade thru. But remember it's better to know the truth than to not know what they are doing, even when the truth his ugly. Knowing these things will allow you to make better decisions for yourself going forward, and that's how it helps, but it is bizarre to say the least. Don't let the flashbacks or images run amuck, run them out of your mind by creating some resolution scripts. Tell yourself you don't need or want to see that image anymore, and symbolic file it way in your trash file. I think sometimes we keep seeing them until we take these matter very seriously and take action to remove ourselve from these dangerous situations and/or to ensure they get some help asap.

It's been about 5 years for me since mine were at that worst, but I hardly ever have flashbacks now. However I get what I call flash overs where sometimes if I'm around other p users, then I will see their p in my minds eyes, esp if they touch me. So just be aware that there are flash backs, and flash overs. And in the same way that seeing those imagines seems to have hijacked your mind, that's the same that happens to them imo. That's why they think about p all the time, but rather than associating with the abuse that it is, they mb'd over it so they falsely associate it as pleasure or as "normalcy" for men to think about p sex all day. But that's thier hijakcking in action, and this is your p hijacking now too. And the good news is that we can un-hijack ourselves, and take control our systems back but it does require concious thought and effort. And I know you will do your part to eradicate this filth from your eyes. And you can trust that you will be successful it just takes time. Try not to cater to the fear of having them forever, because that doesn't help whasoever.

[Hephzibah]

I am having an extremely difficult. My eyes have been exposed to things that are demonic. I can't erase these visions out of my head. I pray that one day God will restore my eyes and brain. I look at the world differently now......my social anxiety is spiraling to agoraphobia.

I believe God will do that. Some of the things I found were dispicable - but not as depraved as the images you mention. Dr. Judith Reisman says that those disgusting, abnormal things are more deeply etched in our brains then normal and gentle things - like a pretty bird flying in the air or a flower waving in the breeze. She has researched brain chemical reasons why that happens - mostly because of the horror and curiosity and disbelief of what we're seeing sets of a chemical brain cocktail that imprints it deeply in our mind.

I agree, God is in the restoring and healing business. Just as PAs need a method to cut off the remembered images, so do us SOs. I have found Christian meditation and contemplation have been excellent in teaching me to cut them off as soon as they enter my consciousness. I also carry a "clinging cross" (brand name) and when I am bombarded with images or fears or insecurities - I grasp my little cross and it is my signal to quiet my brain and meditate on scriptures that I have memorized that bring me comfort, peace and the sense God's presence.

I understand the looking at the world differently. But the only thing that has really changed is "now I know." Today Dr. Bob came up with a solution that I think will work for me to look at people differently - especially not to think of all men as visual pervs or potential abusers. He mentioned that when he sees people he is going to try to say a little prayer for them. I think that may work for me to start seeing the world as more wholesome again. At least, I'm going to give it a try and see what happens. I'm sure God will lead me to a path that will work for me - as he will for you, too.

Debbie

[NotSoHopefulAnymore]

Hi Jenny,

I just wanted to say you are not alone. No matter what type of porn images you are exposed to it does taint your eyes and mind.

At my worst state (about 3 years in with partner, at 8 now) I also got to a point where I couldn't bare to walk out my door and didn't unless I absolutely had to (even then I would try everything to get out of it ~ I was uncertain if I could even leave in an emergency )... it was too much. I didn't want to see through my partner’s eyes anymore ~ it felt like it was literally killing me. My anxiety had become so bad that I found myself experiencing much worse symptoms... almost a constant rapid heartbeat, severe headache, jaw and muscle pain, like my body was totally locking up... shaking, trouble breathing, feeling like I was having a heart attack... throwing up The worst of this lasted about 6 months for me, 3 more not quite as difficult leading up to it and 3 more (also less intense) getting out of that hell. Medication did assist me to move past that terrible time in my life.

I thank God I am not in a constant state of this anymore and the agoraphobia is something I feel only after partner and I have had a very triggering situation happen (sometimes if he acted out, lied, or if I feel/see something that brings me spiralling down, etc.) I think after a certain amount of pain or perhaps just a certain amount of time, we are given the gift of detaching (or numbness maybe). Much in the same way as if you had to eat worms every day... at first it would be shocking and disgusting but after weeks of eating worms you're no longer in shock and it isn't quite as unbearable. That's not to say you will ever think what your partner does/looks at is normal or okay. Just that, imo, what is keeping you in fear today will with time and your own recovery, allow you to feel freer after the shock of it all passes a bit. I believe it is knowledge about this addiction that helps the shock of what is taking place out there seem a bit less desperate in our own hearts and minds. I hope that makes sense.

Even though it fades, it never goes away totally. I'm afraid once you are exposed to this hell you will always be a changed person in ways. I guess it's what you do with it that differs from person to person.

I think it's similar to other major realizations. Like when a person becomes aware first hand how many children are dying of hunger each day or how many people are dying from preventable illnesses. If you see that first hand you can't possibly go on day to day without feeling it and having it impact you. Once you know and especially when you just saw something with your own eyes (even more so when it was personal to you)... it is very hard to believe/pretend it doesn't exist.

I am very sorry you have been exposed to this demon and that your husband has been abducted by it. I hope you feel a sense of control and peace again sooner than later. It can and will happen if you do what is best for you and keep looking for support.

Amie