My Recovery From the Pain

[Hephzibah]

Written before I left my PA - what helped me stay sane, grow and how I tried to keep the marriage intact:

My Plan to Recover from the Pain
(written June 2004, updated various times)

LIVING A LIFE OF ACCEPTANCE (acceptance is not approval).

1) When I start feeling that my husband’s porning is because I’m not a good enough partner, not pretty enough, not smart enough, not rich enough, not slim enough, blah, blah. Recognize those are false beliefs because God does not make junk.

2) Remind myself that my husband’s porning is not about me.

3) Remember porn is NOT about sex; it’s about self-medicating and numbing reality.

4) Find my significance in my acceptance from God - not in my husband’s perceived acceptance or rejection.

5) Don’t fantasize what life would be like married to a non-porning husband or if my husband had never porned.

6) Sit on the front row at church so I don’t see other couples and compare my husband as lacking morally, spiritually or feel hurt he doesn’t participate in church work or worship.

7) Don’t compare our current situation with how nice it felt when we were dating and my husband was interested in spiritual things.

8) Don’t fantasize what life would be like if my husband desired me sexually and initiated lovemaking.

9) Don’t masturbate. It doesn’t fix anything. I can't do it without either fantasy or extreme anger and cursing at him for not fulfilling his marital obligation - neither of those are healthy for me and leave me more humiliated, frustrated, hurt and feeling more alienated and alone.

10) Don’t fantasize what life would be like if my husband could/would communicate on a more intimate self-disclosing level or if he gave more empathy; but pray for those to happen

11) Instead of having a self-pity party when I think what my husband’s porning has robbed from our marriage, pray for him and us.

12) Keep minimal expectations so I’m not frustrated when my husband’s ED prevents intercourse.

13) Part of me feels disgust of my husband’s sin. Remember except for the grace of God go I.

14) When I’m struggling, analyze where on the grieving scale I am and recognize I am progressing.

15a) Live my life so if we have to separate, I can go with a clean conscious that I tried everything in my power to uphold my part of the wedding vows.

15b) I will not PM or e-mail with men behind my husband's back out of respect for my marriage and recognition of my own vulnerability. Plus, it sets a good standard that I would like in our marriage. <added 30 Oct 2007 - which is why the numbers are weird>

SLIPS AND CONFRONTATIONS:

16) If he treats me like a blow-up doll I can leave the bedroom. Added Oct 2006: If I choose to pleasure him and expect nothing for me – that’s fine; however, if we choose to make love together, then it should be reciprocal.

17) When I discover my husband has had a slip, don’t beat myself up that I did something that caused it. Even if I acted spiteful or mean, that is not an excuse for him to commit virtual/visual adultery.

18) If he slips, spend more time on the board making sure I’m coping in a healthy way and not getting mired in co-dependent behavior.

19) If he slips, don’t confront my husband when my emotions are rolling and I’m prone to say hurtful, hateful things to get even for the pain he’s caused me. He hears me better when I’m calm and logical then when I’m a drama queen. Preserving the marriage and my integrity is primary.

20) Only confront when I feel God is leading me; because that lets me know I have the strength to confront in a sane, mature way; and my husband’s heart has been prepared by God to hear what I say.

21) If my husband chooses porn; I can have another in-house separation to heal from the pain. If porning becomes recurrent; I may need to legally separate. If this happens, do it in a loving way focusing on healing myself and restoring our marriage; not as revenge. <i> Added after his Dec 2006 slip: Next slip and he's out the door. I don't have to leave because I didn't sin against our marriage vows by looking at other men.</i>

22) Any separation time must be used to pray, meditate, cry, read and heal; however, I may not isolate from trying to do my half to repair the rift in the marriage. His actions may have caused the rift; but I’m still a vested half of the marriage.

23) Each slip I order $50 more self-help and porn educational books to help me learn better ways to adjust to sin in the family. Next slip is $250. (that was used in Oct 2006). Added Oct 2006: If he gets into recovery (12-step and pastoral or psychological counseling) and has a slip; if he tells me within 24 hours, I won’t order books but take his honesty as my healing balm. If he doesn’t tell me by within that timeframe, then I get $250. I’ll stick at $250 per episode and not continue to increase it). Changed after his slip in December 2006: Another slip and he has to leave until I feel safe enough for him to return to our home.

COMMUNICATION:

24) Tell my husband when I'm fearful he's porning or when he's objectifying me and then drop it. Anything more said leads to more pain for me. I can control what I say; I can't control his reactions. If his reactions aren't sympathetic, empathetic or building bridges - then I can go do something I enjoy and let him figure out how to handle what I said.

25) Voice my occasional questions about ED in a way so it doesn’t sound humiliating.

26) Give kind and compassionate conversation; but remember that he has the final responsibility to inform me when I’m saying things in a hurtful way.

27) Without expectations of reciprocity, learn to offer self-disclosing communication with my husband and watch carefully if he is shutting down and then change to lighter conversation. I don’t feel this is co-dependent, but showing respect for my marriage and my husband’s tolerance level.

28) Use discretion of who I tell; treat him with the same respect that I’d want if the tables were reversed.

HANDLING LIES:

29) Remember that his dishonesty about his addictions is NOT related to his honesty in other areas of his life.

30) When I think he’s lying, ask myself if I have backed him into a corner with questions about his compulsive behaviors; if so, practice more productive communication techniques.

TRUST:

31) I will look for the good, potential recovery aspects in my husband’s behavior and count that towards rebuilding trust.

32) When I feel frustrated that he says I lost the trust so it’s my responsibility to find it; pray that God will show him what to do to help regain this lost trust.

PRAYER AND GRATITUDE:

33) Make a daily gratitude list that helps me remember that the majority of our marriage and my life is a wonderful, healthy, happy place.

34) Ask God to help me focus on the positives and not the negatives.

35) Ask God to help me recognize the current situation of our marriage honestly and not through a Pollyanna or a Gloom-and-Doom filter.

36) When I discover data that validates my husband has been in the porn, I feel a smug self-satisfaction. This is not healthy or godly; pray that I’ll feel thankful and humble that God trusted me to handle this truth in a mature and compassionate way.

37) I am not the Holy Spirit; I’m a child of God and my responsibility is to pray and follow God’s leading – my responsibility is not to “fix” my husband – that’s God’s job.

38) Continue to trust God’s prophecy and God’s Word as the true hope for our future.

39) Pray that God gives me a greater desire to intercede for my husband for protection from the consequences of his sin. I think of Bible people who chose sex sin and God killed or cursed them:

• Ham looked at his father naked (became Caananites and persecuted by God’s People),
• Potiphar’s wife lusted for Joseph, (her and husband lost God’s blessing, their reign, their army and their Israelite slaves)
• Samson lusted after many women (both wives betrayed him and he got eyes poked out)
• David and Bathsheba (their child died, and his family would always be at war)
• Amnon and Tamar (she lived in disgrace, Amnon murdered by half brother)
• Solomon (God took his kingdom away from his offspring and in his old age he repented)
• Romans (became fools, and became physically sick and died)
• Sodom and Gomorrah (killed by fire and brimstone)

FINAL THOUGHTS:

40) When my husband and I think of alternatives or compromises, I get a one-week grace period to think through what I’ve agreed to. (I don’t think I need this any more; I think I can now say – let’s try it and see what happens and then renegotiate.)

41) I can live with confidence knowing these boundaries and Father God will protect me.

42) Remember these boundaries are to protect me and the marriage and not to beat up my husband for his poor choices.

Later Additions:

43) I chose to forgive him for his sin against me and the marriage; now I've chosen to forgive him for not being able to take away the pain but to give the pain to God to heal. When I start feeling angry that he's not helping me carry the burden of the pain - remember I gave it to God - so it's now God's responsibility to heal.

44) I have disengaged. His recovery - his problem. His emotions - his problem. His attitude - his problem. I can set boundaries for the emotions and attitude if it starts affecting my recovery and serenity. But the best thing I can do is to accept he's that way without trying to figure him out and go on about my business.

45) Work on communication skills, especially listening. Try to validate each time my husband shares segments of his life with me. Try to see both sides of the issue when we talk: "It's best to stay in touch with both sides of an issue. A person who fears God deals responsibly with all of reality, not just a piece of it." (Ecclesiastes 7:18 - MSG)

46) After a confrontation, analyze if I used any drama queen antics trying to manipulate the situation. If I did, then repent to God, apologize to my husband and use it for personal growth.

47) Don't monitor my husband unless God directs me to.

48) My motto for 2006 is "Shut up, enjoy the trip and trust God." Often I overanalyze or reason things to the Nth degree instead of quieting my mind, enjoying the life God gave me and trusting God to do what's best for me. I especially do reasonings concerning how God is going to fix my husband and marriage - yet it's not my business. My business is to turn it over to God and trust Him.

49) When my husband was drinking, I had three boundaries: (1) If he drove drunk, I called the cops. (2) If he was verbally rude, I would leave the room. (3) If he followed me and continued being rude, I would stay over night in a motel on his credit card. The last two boundaries can be used any time he is verbally rude; however, the first step is to let him know his words, tone or posture is causing an emotional reaction for me. (since he's not drinking now, he can hear me when I ask). I can say, 'I feel frightened when you bend over me and yell; do we need a time out?'

50) Realize that I can have a perfect recovery and it’s no guarantee that my husband will ever chose to get sober and/or get in recovery.

51) The fall-out that continues to bring up pain can be lumped into these areas: (1) stay in forgiveness - not get revengeful (2) grieve the hurt – know God will walk me out of the pain (3) keep strong boundaries - practice tough love. Focus on these so there aren’t so many little foxes trying to steal my joy and serenity.

<edited 28 Nov 2005 to add #23>
<edited 4 Dec 2005 to add #43>
<edited 5 Dec 2005 to add #44>
<edited 11 Jan 2006 to add #45 through 49>
<edited 8 Oct 2006 to add #50>
<edited 15 November 2006 to add #51>

.:-~*~-:..:-~*~-:..:-~*~-:..:-~*~-:..:-~*~-:..:-~*~-:.

Disengaging

1 My husband is not my child; he's God's child.
2 I am not responsible for overcoming his addiction.
3 I am not responsible for what kind of person he is.
4 I am not responsible for what kind of person he becomes.
5 I am not obligated to become a disrespected member of the household just because I married him.
6 I am not responsible for my husband's recovery or lack thereof.
7 All the recovery responsibility belongs to my husband.
8 My husband is not me.
9 My husband is not going to have a recovery that looks the way my recovery would look.
10 My marriage is not going to turn out the way it would if I was in charge of his recovery.
11 What all this means is this: I must not monitor my husband concerning his addiction. I must not tell him what is expected of him to recover. I must not parent him. I must turn over all responsibility for the addiction to my husband and God. I must allow my husband to make whatever mistakes he makes. If he chooses to embrace his addiction, there is always the legal separation option - I can't control his choices, but I can control me and my responses.
12 My ONLY responsibility is to (1) be a godly wife, (2) follow the leadings of the Holy Spirit and (3) be open to see when he's showing trustworthiness.

.:-~*~-:..:-~*~-:..:-~*~-:..:-~*~-:..:-~*~-:..:-~*~-:.


Sexual Self-Acceptance comes from what's going on inside - rather than what's going on in my marriage. I do not have to give up my sexuality or feeling good about my sexuality. I'm going to embrace it and not let it go. My sexuality - my choice. Just because I seldom get to have full expression of my sexuality through foreplay and intercourse, doesn't mean I'm not a fully sexual being.

Purpose of Sex: Sex is one way two people in love may choose to share their love. Although sex may be a validating experience, validation is not the purpose of having sex. Validation of the love comes by honoring the marital commitment.

Old Plan located: http://lightwave.proboards48.com/index. ... 1130586408

[Hope_lives]

Thank you for this, Hep. It was very kind of you to post this to help the rest of us out. I found it very helpful and plan to keep it for later reference.

[juney]

Even before I had the courage to begin posting I read your journal.
I learned about making healthy boundaries from reading your journal. I have reviewed your thoughts a hundred times when I have been tempted to over- react or behave inappropriately out of a sense of vengeance.
Your thoughts have influenced me to maintain my integrity even in the face of this depravity.
You are truly a wise woman. Thank you for sharing.

[Overwhelmed]

Your Sentiments Are Received With Gratitude...

I can use all the encouragement that I can get so thank you. It means alot and makes a difference. You and your situation will be in my prayers, as well.

Overwhelmed

[Forgiven7x77]

Very thought provoking and helpful. I especially have to remember #48 - we all do in any situation!

[healedbylove]

Thanks again, Hep......

[sadandscared]

[i]
29) Remember that his dishonesty about his addictions is NOT related to his honesty in other areas of his life.

I was just wondering about this. I would LOVE to believe it but I can't help but think that an addict is prepared to be dishonest about anything, so long as it means keeping the addiction. I can't help but think the lying can become a habit and spread to other areas of life and the relationship.

I would love to feel that I can believe in the man I thought I first knew, except for things directly relating to the porn addiction, but where is that dividing line?

I wonder what insights or advice other people - and of course you Hep - have on this issue?

[Overwhelmed]

How did I get involved in this string of comments, anyway?

[qpwoeiruty]

"My husband is not my child; he's God's child."

There's your problem.

[Gardener]

"My husband is not my child; he's God's child."

There's your problem.

Just a reminder that this forum is "For partners of people struggling with pornography addiction. A place for Significant Others to support one another, vent their frustrations, and share their hopes. Recovering Addicts are strongly urged not to post on this forum."