Returning to Life, with Choselife

[lookingforward]

Nice journal post, Johannes. I think you should write more about the work paralysis. It's really another form of avoidant coping that we have mastered so well, isn't it? Can you acknowledge what you are feeling that is leading to the paralysis? Can you tell that I'm in therapy?

[Johannes]

Whoa. Lots of stuff happening in Johannes-land. I'm sorry I haven't been journaling here. Crises and hope. Continued sobriety. (I think I'm about three weeks sober; I can't quite pinpoint the last acting out date.)

Let's all recover and heal.

More soon, I hope.

--Johannes

[BeingThere]

Congrats on the sobriety. Funny, addicts actually spend the majority of their life sober but we focus on the times when we're not. I wonder ...

-Mike

[Johannes]

It's friggin' time for a no-hold-barred-Johannes-tells-it-how-it-is-you-betcha-lipstick on an academic pig-post. Yes, friends, I'm losing my sanity!!! CV will rejoice in this, and well since he seems to be in semi-board retirement, time for me to take up the insanity slack.

Today finds me frustrated frustrated frustrated. I made it to the office, good. i just chatted with one of our new faculty, and was happy for the exciting summer she's spent, and envious, feeling again how I really [expletive] up the past few months. AND YES, I know know know, regrets and self-shaming do not help AT ALL. And yes, I'm also aware that this kind of self-hatred, and constant obsession with discipline and duty, is part of my family history, and yes, I can seriously make the Nazi connection. My grandmother was a devoted Nazi (I think I've mentioned this before), and see this is one of the things that was so pervasive in her generation and what was passed down. My therapist once said, she feels that my generation will be able to break this cycle of shame and guilt and fear-based life.

Sorry, I'm not writing very clearly here.

My colleagues and my dean are so supportive of me, and I'm still perfectly able of messing up. Well, also perfectly able of doing well, right? If I had a wish free, it'd be that today would be June 2, 2010.

One minute at a time, five minutes at a time. it's not too late. (Too late for what?)

I'm embarassed to write this down, but over the past 3 months I've probably spent about 4 hours working on my pretenure portfolio, which is due in four weeks. I spent 30 minutes on my translation research project. And for the four different classes I'm "teaching" in the fall, I got the book orders in, and have sofar spent about 10 minutes writing syllabi. Finally, I spent about 2 hours this summer on a school-related research project.

I can choose to call up unbearable, paralyzing shame around all of this--equals an entry ticket to acting out.

Or I can choose to move into the present moment. I have done lots of work in therapy, I really have (we had two double sessions over the past two weeks), and the two phrases/mantras that stuck out for me, "The body knows the truth," and "I don't need to act out to feel safe."

Yesterday, I spent the day with my friend E. I met her a few months ago; she's a new member of the awesome Jungian dream group. She's co-organizing a Tibetan Buddhist group that's starting up close to where I live--I actually walked to the Chenrezig Puja yesterday (but then felt rather sweaty during the service), and I am planning to go again next week. Afterwards, E and I had lunch, got some groceries, and we spent the afternoon/evening at her place. I like her a lot, and we do connect on many levels.

Now here a recovery thing: last night, when I got home from E., I ended up distracting myself online before going to bed (and so started my day much later than intended). See, I've been ever so slightly opening myself up emotionally to E, and I wonder whether there may be some romantic connection somehow somewhere. This is very scary stuff for me. Anyway, so last night, I clearly felt that inner loneliness that leads me to acting out with the internet.

Well. An incoherent check-in is better than no check-in at all!

Let's all recover and heal.

Johannes

[beyondrecognition]

I'm here. Listening. Rooting for you.

This thing with E, sounds promising. Scary? yes. But, could be great.

Your time is not up on your projects. There is still time to be productive. We can't turn the clock back, but you can have a productive today.

Don't beat yourself up.

Breathe. Stay in the moment.

We're pulling for you here.

[Johannes]

beyrec!

Thank you for your continued support, listening, caring.

Yes, E and I do seem to have a deep connection (no, not just because she also grew up in Germany, though that does make for fun conversations! And I'm seeing how good it is communicationwise that we're the same age), and my dear friend M is encouraging me to open my heart to E. This is such an unusual situation for me. Life is scary. I don't know what I want. And that's alright. Just stay honest, and be vulnerable, and whatever happens will happen in harmony with the universe. (Yes, I get to write this!! )

On my way to Starbucks, for some mindful work, I hope.

Let's all recover and heal.

Johannes

[hopeflows]

...passing through to let you know that people are reading along and praying for you, Johannes, and I'm one of them

[Johannes]

hope,

I am glad to know you're reading along and praying for me. Thank you.

Meditation. Mindfulness. It can suffuse everything I do. Work as meditation. (I think that's what the ol' monks were all about, "Ora et Labora," "work and pray.")

While I did some work on a non-school project, school work only consisted in locating and opening the pre-tenure portfolio file. I guess that's a start.

Let's all recover and heal.

Johannes

[lookingforward]

I can relate to the big impending task procrastination bit. Again, I think the question is, "What are you avoiding?" For me, part of my recovery has been acknowledging and accepting those feelings and thoughts that I spent so many years dulling. Paradoxically, it has provided me with a great feeling of freedom.

Do what you need to do, Johannes, to get over this blockage. Part of that, it seems to me, is to prevent yourself from internet acting out. Unplug. I hope you come back to regular journaling, too, because that is where you seem to find hope.

[Johannes]

Thank you so much, LF. I do feel you're right. Okay, now if that's true, then I should follow your advice!!!! This reminds me of a recovery moment a few years ago (actually like five years ago), when I wrote something like, I trust my friends on NPSupport to know what is right, and I'll trust their judgment more than I do my own.

So, right now, unplugging? Wooo, Addict Johannes does not want to hear that!!!! So that's a sign this is good advice!!!!!!!!!! I'm at home this morning, waiting for someone to come by to give me an estimate on what mowing/cleaning up of my jungle backyard would cost. I'm in my study, which is really a nice environment.

Okay, unplugging? It's 11:00 now, and I'm just gonna say now, I'll go offline until 1:00. And then check back in here, and with my friend M (we've started a work accountability thingy. I just wrote him, and told him I'd check the support board (done) and my work e-mail (done), and then go into five minutes at a time work mode.

Yes, the "Why am I avoiding work" question is the biggie. I gotta write about this.

Again, thank you, Lookingforward. Okay, I'm now not allowing myself to walk over to your journal, so I gotta tell you here I'm so happy that you and your therapist are such a great fit. (Hmmm, and maybe she can also give you advice on doing more of your non-academic work?)

Unplugging ain't easy. But if Neil Young can do it, then so can I!!!!!!!!!!!!! It's not easy, because Internet distraction is always a way for me to create the illusion of connectedness. Instead of feeling alone.

But, remember, I don't need to act out to feel safe.

Let's all recover and heal.

Johannes