Where am I going; and why am I in this handbasket?

[hassan77]

Benderson,

I was very interested to read your journal as I have always found your posts extremely funny and entertaining. Needless to say, I was shocked and saddened to hear of what you have been going through. A friend of my father's survived colon cancer many years ago. I know the treatment can be very difficult, but please know that (along with many others on this board) my prayers will be with you.

Hassan

[Benderson]

I realized yesterday that some think I've been playing down my illness and treatment....like it's worse than I'm actually saying; because I don't want to worry anyone. Well, that's simply not true. Granted, these 'some people' don't get to see me in real life; so they can't see the look on my face that gives away when I'm feeling like hammered dogsh*t. I just don't go announcing when I feel bad; but my face doesn't let me hide it, either. Wanna play poker with me? *grin*

I know that a few of you are very surprised at my diagnosis and worried for me; and I love you guys for it. I do want to say, however, that yes -- I'm a cancer patient; but I don't see myself as actually having cancer. Yeah, they found a tumor; but it was removed during surgery with no evidence of any kind that it's metastasized to other parts of my body. The ONLY reason I'm classified as stage 3 is because of the ONE (count 'em, ONE) cancer-positive lymph node named in the pathology report. To me, the chemo is just clean-up work for safety's sake. I'm gonna feel like crap immediately after infusions; but I was also assured today by a nurse in the office there that how I responded to the first treatment vis-a-vis side effects is probably the benchmark for what to expect in future infusions. She said that things will probably intensify; but not to a staggering degree. I WILL notice the changes.

Did I mention that last August we signed up for Aflac supplemental insurance? The really cool thing about Aflac is that you can pick and choose what you want for medical coverage; and the benefits are paid directly to you at fixed amounts for specific items. Well....when we signed up, we got the accident policy, the major health event policy (heart attack, etc.); and the CANCER policy. I suggested it; but I never imagined we'd be using it, especially so soon after getting it. What prompted me to suggest it? Well, I lived in Berlin from 1985-1988; and that's the time period when Chernobyl blew up. According to published reports and news stories at that time, Americans living in Europe had a 30% higher risk of having cancer than those living in the States. For some reason, that stuck in my head; so I told my husband to sign us up. There's really no big history of cancer in my family; but, hey -- having the coverage couldn't hurt. *shrug*

Having that policy means having extra money to help pay our out-of-pocket this year. (Our out-of-pocket max is $10,000 with BCBS; and we've met that, easily. *gulp*)

Now, having that supplemental Aflac has made me a 'look for the money benefit' freak; because, first of all, many things are covered and....well....honestly, we need the money. I had one of my hospital nurses give me the hairy eyeball when I said, "Hooray! They found a tumor!" I laughed at my husband the other day after he paid the umpteenth medical bill when he said, "Go to the hospital and make us some more money." I thought my dad would choke on his coffee when I told him I was now the cash cow of the family.

It's so much easier to laugh than cry about all this. (....and I'm sick like that, anyway. Leave it to me to make this a running joke.)

My husband has decided the he wants that Chinese "F*ck Cancer" hat; but only if he can determine if it's Mandarin or....ugh....I forget the other type of Chinese. I have to send him the link to the picture so he can quiz a co-worker that speaks Chinese. Then, he wants to make sure that it's something he can wear in Shanghai on a business trip that won't be a violation of law. They don't have free speech like we do. It could turn out to be very interesting if he wore it without thinking of that aspect of the game. Oh, my.

My abdominal scar itches. *scratching* Persnickety thing. I told my surgeon he was a wuss for not giving me a 'Z' like Zorro. Of course, since I'm impressed that he purposely cut AROUND my belly button, I can cut him some slack. I had to give him some sort of hard time; because of what he did to me during my post-operative follow-up in his office. The week the staples needed to be removed, he was out of his office for a conference. Surgeons are a picky lot. They usually don't want anyone removing the staples other than themselves or another surgeon they know and trust. It's like their 'signature' on your body will be forever RUINED by 'unskilled' hands getting their grubby fingers on you. Because leaving staples longer than recommended can possibly lead to a less-than-pleasing scar, I opted to go into his back-up surgeon's office for their removal. This guy removes them (that's a big story of OW!, lemme tell ya); and then finishes up by placing steristrips over the incision. (Normal procedure. I expected this.) I'm told that they can come off after one week. Fine. As it happens, the one-week mark falls on the appointment I already had set for my follow-up. I'm lying on the exam table for my surgeon to perform an abdominal grope to check that I'm healing properly. (I assume to see if I'm ripe like a watermelon; but wouldn't that involve thumping?) In the midst of my saying, "You know, my incision's pretty tender..." He says, "Oh, you still have the steristrips"; and RIPS them off. My eyes practically LEAPT out of my head. (I probably still look like Marty Feldman; and it's 6 weeks later.)

We had a severe thunderstorm overnight here; and lightning struck the transformer behind my house, blowing it. We were without electricity until almost 11am. Once we get it back, I turned on my computer. I reached to turn on the monitor; and NOTHING. I kept poking the power button on the front of the damned thing; but still nothing. (As we all know, the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over; expecting a different result. I'm being fitted for my straightjacket tomorrow.) While it's fun to buy new toys, the cutting of the actual check is a buzzkill. That being said, I have a sweet little Viewsonic 22" widescreen monitor now. (It's actually a business expense; because I'm a professional photographer that does Photoshop work for other professional photographers. This requires me to have a high-quality monitor that can be calibrated for optimum color and density corrections. These Viewsonics are excellent for that.)

That last paragraph had nothing to do with colon cancer; but I thought you guys might like some stream-of-consciousness crap. HEE!

[geoff]

Just thinking of you.

Hoping you haven't been affected by the "crazy Raspberry ants" yet.

Take care,

geoff

[Benderson]

Mmmm....raspberry ants. Can I cover them with natural dark chocolate to counter the effects of the neuropathy?

I have a friend in from Noo Yawk this weekend. She got in day before yesterday; and it's been an absolute hoot. I have just enough of a Texas accent to amuse her; and she has just enough of a New York accent to amuse me. Mutual amusement all the way 'round. YAY! Of course....thanks to her visit, I'm using the term 'douchebag' more often; but that usually results in hysterical laughter from us both.

It's good being a 'girl' sometimes. Laughter over stupid sh*t is the BEST.

[Charlie]

I never thought you were making light of your health. I've seen your wit before and if you can use it to keep your own spirit up, good for you.

I kept poking the power button on the front of the damned thing; but still nothing. (As we all know, the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over; expecting a different result. I'm being fitted for my straightjacket tomorrow.)

Don't hurry on that straightjacket. It's only insanity if it actually doesn't bring a different result. In the case of monitors (and sometimes cars) that's not a sure thing. Sometimes there's actually a magical combination of poking, slapping, and swearing that will revitalize an electronic device. It happened to the ancient monitor that I use at work this very morning. It took some convincing to get it out of hibernate mode, even though I could tell that the computer had woken up.

I have serious monitor envy, btw. As I said, this one is ancient. This morning isn't the first time it has flaked. The PC has been upgraded 3 times but as a 'cost savings' I've been permitted to keep the monitor for about 8 or 9 years. I have finally been promised a new one, but it won't be as sweet as yours.

and you are in my prayers.
Charlie

[Hephzibah]

What color straight jacket are you ordering? Will you order it with a velcro "door" so the nurses can get to your port? I'd highly recommend hot pink so we'll see you coming; especially if the chemo has you glowing in the dark.

I'm thrilled you're keeping your sense of humor throughout this ordeal. I've often heard that "laughter is the best medicine" and I believe that's true and will catapult you to quicker healing.

[Benderson]

I drove my friends back to the airport to leave today. (Another flew in Friday night from Dallas to join me and my Noo Yawk friend.) The house is so quiet now. It's a bit of a letdown to have to get back to 'real life'; but it was nice to talk my mouth off and laugh even more. I forgot to mention that these are women that I met via messageboard at least 6 years ago. They, along with several others, are women I've been fortunate enough to meet in person. When finances on either side permit, we often fly to see each other. The original message board that introduced us by a common thread was for wedding planning; so now, I get to experience their milestones. Most have already gone through the purchase of their first home with their husbands; and now, they're building their families. I love seeing the baby pictures they post. (This is my second marriage, I was 40 when we married; and I remain my only child. Our milestones are a bit different.)

I introduced my New York friend (Gabby) to kolaches. I think I've created a monster. She's hooked. What are kolaches? They're similar to danish, I suppose. They can either be made with fruit; or be stuffed with sausage, cheese, ham, whatever. They are Polish in origin; and the Texas hill country was originally settled by a lot of Polish and German immigrants. I see them as breakfast food; but I'm not so discriminating that I'll turn down an offer of one in the afternoon or evening as a treat.

My parents live outside of Austin; so that made it easy to stop on the trip to make the kolache introduction. Besides the good visit, my dad shared a story with Gabby about a long-ago former co-worker and his take on those little powdered sugar doughnuts. This man and another co-worker were enjoying some in the break room one day; and in the midst of the chewing and the quiet, this man said, "Hmm. They're kinda like little floured assholes."

I'll never look at those little doughnuts the same again.

Mmmm....food. Before my illness and diagnosis, I could eat with the best of 'em. My size 16 pants were a testament to my prowess. I didn't necessarily eat stuff that was horribly bad for me; but I ate large portions. I'm discovering that this is no longer possible; even though the Crohn's is under control at the moment. I'm actually grateful for that. I had no business eating on that scale. I'm not a teenager anymore. I have experienced quite a bit of weight loss; and while the circumstances behind it weren't ideal, I'll still take it. I dropped 30 pounds in 4 weeks. My britches are droopy. Not just a little loose; but mondo baggy. The crotch of them is starting to descend. Oy. I'd probably better hit a discount place and find some transition jeans to tide me over until I hit the next size. I have no doubt that I will hit the next size; because I'll be having bi-weekly infusions all the way through to November. I lost 5 pounds with the first infusion. Makes me wonder what to expect for the rest; especially if my side effect symptoms are supposed to intensify a bit as treatment continues. (More nausea than the first time? Oh, man. I hope it doesn't escalate to vomiting. That would completely suck.)

I'm a good cook; but I don't enjoy it like others that are good cooks. I'm not after the next great recipe; or looking to create a dish by mixing the perfect ingredients. For me, it feels like a chore. It's my husband that really gets into it; and I'm happy to step aside in the kitchen and let him just go nuts. He's an excellent cook; and, to his credit, he likes my cooking too. I'm thankful for that; because who wants to feel like they're under the microscope when all they want to do is make a nice pot of chicken and dumplings? He leaves my specialties to me; and I leave his to him. Makes things more interesting; and it also keeps me from feeling diminished in the kitchen. *thumbs up*

Speaking of the husband, he's been a bit jerky lately. I'm beginning to think I need to file down the point at the top of his head. Frankly, I feel a bit bullied. Ugh. Nasty feeling. I'm not a child. I'll own up to occasional whining; but that usually doesn't last long. Most of the jerkiness is related to 'how' I do something. Normally, I blow this off; because I know that I managed to make it to the ripe old age of 35 without his presence preventing my certain death. It's beginning to rankle, though. I'd bang my head; but....well....we just had the place painted.

...and speaking of food, I haven't had breakfast or lunch. What am I thinking?!? *waving goodbye*

[Healing Rain]

Hey Benderson...

Hope you are feeling well today. Was thinking of you so went hunting for your journal just to say hi. So "Hi!!"

Kolachies... YUM!!! Man, when I lived down in pasadena... we had this wonderful kolachie shop that we frequented alot. And, I once had these amazing ones in a little german town somewhere off 59.. BUT up here... I havent found anyplace that I love, and it saddens me. I miss the yummy things. There is a donut shop up the road that makes decent ones, but there just not quite right. They'll do... but well, man do I miss the ones I used to get down that way.

Now I've gone and made myself hungry!!

Next time you go get some kolachies, eat a few for me, Ok? Or just think of me while you eat the ones you can... deal?

~Rain~

[Benderson]

Kolaches by proxy? I think I can pull that off. Of course, I have to eat the ones for me, first. It's all about me, me, me, donchaknow.....

Pelvic pain. Blar. It's not of the bone-crushing variety, by any means; but it's not comfortable, that's for sure. I'm almost 8 weeks post-op; so it's a little unsettling to feel it. I haven't tried to lift anything heavy regardless; so it's not related to that, either. Whether I void my bladder or....um....the other stuff, it's like the lack of pressure in there makes things 'pull' and hurt. Guess I've got stuff to ask my gastroenterologist when I see him for my 6-week visit June 10. My ankles were swelling over the weekend, too; and it makes me concerned about what's going on in the Crohn's department. I'll also need him to refresh my memory on what he said about the swelling there. I just remember it was certainly a symptom of the Crohn's; and it's somehow related to protein. I just don't remember how it's related.

I'm in the process of putting our house back together. We still have to make appointments for the last of the contractors to do their respective specialties. The ceiling in the master bath collapsed due to a cracked toilet tank upstairs in mid-February; and dealing with all of this has been like dealing with The Three Stooges. I just want this sh*t DONE, already. There are going to be days when I feel like death on a saltine; and the very LAST thing I want is to deal with these guys while they're working. Ugh. *banging head on desk*

Wednesday is the 2nd infusion. I'm getting a little antsy about it; but mainly because I don't know what to expect by being awake when they access the port. I've been told it's not that bad; but, naturally, I won't really know what to expect until I actually experience it for myself. I'm hoping the skin over the access point isn't full of nerve endings. (....or at least I want those nerve endings to be off watching a hockey game or something else to distract them. Maybe if I jangle something shiny in front of them as a distraction?)

This time, I won't have a buddy to sit with me like the first day of the first infusion. My dad came down for that; along with the surgery 2 days prior to install the port under my skin. I think all of this has really shook him up. I'm his only biological child; so I suppose that plays into it. The last bad attack I had....his words? "That about killed the old man, you know." Tells me he loves me on the phone every time we speak. Yeah--I'd say all this had made an impression. It makes me more sensitive to his need for information about what's going on with me; so I make sure to answer every phone call I can without thinking, "Eh, I'll just call them back later."

I'm 43; and still call him 'Daddy'. He deserves the title. He's one of those 'true' daddies....the kind you have wrapped around your finger when you're the only child AND a girl. That doesn't mean I didn't get 'what for' when I deserved it; but it does mean a hop in the car for a Fudgsicle on the spur of the moment. I have friends who aren't as fortunate with their fathers; so I always share. You wouldn't believe how many of my friends over the years prefer to call him 'Daddy' rather than 'Mr. Benderson'. (Last names are changed to protect everyone except me. )

Well, I guess I'd better go call the damned contractor to schedule the last of the work; and continue work on putting things back together in the completed areas. *sigh*

[victoria]

Benderson,

Thank you for the detailed and funny description of your treatment. I'm not going to send condolences, but say RIGHT ON! Attitude is everything with cancer (I feel) and my mom didn't start feeling better until hers became aggressive against it.
You know that already, know that there are many people who believe in you and back you up.

Please, submit your thoughts about this to a cancer magazine. Other people really need to hear the laughter. Love to you!!!

victoria