Where am I going; and why am I in this handbasket?

[Benderson]

A published Benderson? Is the world really ready for that?

What is UP with this pelvic pain? It's not excruciating, by any means; but it's enough to keep me from focusing. DAMN IT! It makes me wonder what's going on in there with my innerds. Are they dropping out of place? Will I need further surgery to correct it? Abdominal surgery sucks. AAARGH! Enough, already! (...but I refuse to bang my head; because it's bad for my head AND the desk.)

When I go for day 1 of my second infusion tomorrow, I think I'll ask for better pain meds. I forget what they gave me; but it's like taking a placebo and KNOWING I'm taking one. I can't take Aleve, Advil, Tylenol or aspirin for various reasons involving my treatment that affect blood cell counts and bleeding. What I really want is to refill the Vicodin that was given to me when I had the port installed. THAT was nice. It also doesn't interfere with the other meds. Certainly a bonus. Of course, they probably won't go for that....

An online friend of mine sent me a pink terry robe from Red Envelope right after my diagnosis. Soooo Soft. Yummy. Dope that I am, I didn't notice she had my name monogrammed on it until 2 days after I opened the box. Besides the comfort factor, I'm really diggin' that the chemo pump fits EXACTLY into the pockets of this robe. During the 2 days I have to carry it, I tend to sleep in that robe. Did I mention it was soft? Ooooo....

Other friends have sent cards, flowers....one also sent chocolate from England. Before I could get to the Cadbury bar with the macadamias, my husband had already eaten it. THIEF! He offered to buy me a new one; but it's just not the same. Dumb boy. Doesn't he realize that the chocolate straight from the friend is WAY better than the replacement chocolate from the store?!? Outside of this transgression, he's pretty impressed with the support I'm receiving from everyone. He's the sort that only has 2 close friends; and since they live in other states, his contact with them is a little sporadic. I sometimes think he's overwhelmed by the sheer numbers of people I consider to be friends. Yeah, some are much closer to me than others; but friends are WAY cool. I like collecting them. *laugh*

My husband's company has been very supportive, too. We recently spent 10 days away from home travelling 3 different places (mostly on business); and one of them was where the company is based. Any contact I had with anyone there always started with, "How are you feeling?" One of the partners even went so far as to tell me, "I'll bet you get tired of hearing that." Nope, sure don't. When people ask me how I'm feeling, it just shows caring. Of course, freak that I am, I don't just answer 'fine' if I'm not. Luckily, I did feel fine every time I was asked. A manager in the New Jersey office even sent me a pajamagram containing a robe, slippers and pretty-smelling lotion. Her own husband died of cancer a little over 2 years ago (he was SO young); and I guess she remembered that I was always asking my husband about her every time he mentioned something work-related that involved her. I suppose it was that 'mother bear' thing again. I'm afflicted with it.

I guess I'd better get back to putting my house back together. The work downstairs is done; but the flooring contractors are supposed to be here today to do the upstairs. I'll be glad when it's all finished. While I enjoyed having my friends here last weekend, having guests in an upside down house isn't fun at all. They didn't care and certainly understood; but still. *sigh*

[Benderson]

Still no relief on the pelvic discomfort. Not cool.

The contractors that were here today? AAAARGH! They took out the cracked toilet upstairs (the offending item that caused all the original damage); but wouldn't replace it with the new one. They'll put back the old one; but not swap it for the new one. Yeah, okay. I THINK I get it. There's liability on their part if they don't put it in correctly. *sigh* To add insult to injury, they dinged up my nice furniture moving it out and back into the room that needed new carpet. Really want to know how to light my fuse? Set your focking sweaty Coke can on top of my antique sewing machine. Asshole.

It probably didn't help that this whole situation has me simmering before the contractors even arrive to do their work. The original damage occurred mid-February; and it's now creeping toward the end of May. It seemed like Every. Little. Thing. required a different contractor. Who goes to bed at night and dreams up this sh*t? It wasn't fun coming home with staples in my gut to an upside down house. There was a mess everywhere; and I was having a tough time walking, anyway. The only bedroom downstairs is the master (which received the majority of the damage); and I couldn't even climb the stairs to find a room to sleep in that wasn't affected. Suckage.

My appointment is tomorrow at 10:50am. Three hours' worth of sitting. I haven't decided if I'll take a book; or just nap. I'm trying to keep my mind off of the access of the port; but it's tough. I'm also scheduled for bloodwork; and I'm REALLY hoping that they do the draw from the port. My hands can't take any more sticks. The bruises from the last time are just now fading.

Needles suck. I guess there's a reason why I don't have tattoos. I'll admit to pansy-dom on that one. *sheepish look*

[Hephzibah]

Hi Benderson,

I've been reading along and praying for you. I'm so impressed with how you're keeping your sense of humor through this. You amaze me.

Father God. Please take away B's pelvic pain. Let her medications have minimal to no side-effects tomorrow; and let them do their task of removing any little bit of cancer completely. Let the doctor offer medication that will aleviate the pain so she can have comfort. Give her courage to get the needle. Thank you for giving her friends that rally around her and give her chocolate and soft fuzzy things to wear. And please, get the contractors to quickly repair the boo-boos so her house will feel like home again. In Jesus' Name. Amen

Hephzibah

[completelydone]

((((((((((Benderson)))))))))))),

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I don't know how I haven't seen this journal until now.
I'll be praying for you.

Take care (for real lady),
CD

[Benderson]

So. Focking. Sleepy. Beats nausea, though.

The access of the port was pretty tame--much better than an IV stick. Of course, because it's always my luck, I had to be poked there twice. What would your reaction be if you heard, "I'm going to have to use a longer needle"? When I first arrived at the doctor's office, the lab chick took me straight over to the blood-letting chair. My first question? "Could you see if it's possible to take the bloodwork from the port? My hands are just now rid of the bruising from my IV 3 weeks ago." She asked; and I got my wish. Blood samples via port. WOOHOO! My favorite part about all this? The stick doesn't hurt so bad; and because of the nature of the port, they never have to root around with the needle to try to catch a dodgy vein. Sweet.

Somehow, I scored coffee and a cupcake. Seems a patient celebrated their birthday yesterday; and brought cupcakes. Too bad my appetite sucks.

I kicked back in the reclining chair. Read a little. Napped more. Peed a lot, for some reason. Guess the saline had some effect in that department. I'm taking a blankie today. They have them there; but I think I'll take the fuzzy one I got in that bag of goodies during my first visit. I wasn't very cold yesterday; but I could feel the A/C a bit.

Speaking of cold, the neuropathy hit me like a ton of bricks. I came home; knowing that I was behind on my Pentasa medication schedule. I grabbed a can of Fresca out of the fridge. Um, YOW. It's hitting me harder this go-round; because my hands felt it RIGHT AWAY. I shoved that b*tch into a koozie. Swallowing the meds was tricky; but it got done. The tightening of my throat still only feels like there's a pill caught there; but that feeling goes away quickly when my throat warms up again. I've realized that I CAN drink cold drinks; as long as I take tiny sips and not gulps.

My husband asked me to get him a lemonade yesterday evening while I was up. I came back toting a lemonade-flavored vitamin water with an oven mitt. HEE! I thought it was amusing and clever. He didn't notice.

I told the nurse yesterday that the prescribed pain killer was like taking a placebo. She admitted that they weren't very strong; but I also wasn't given a solution. Guess I'll have to press them harder today; because these things don't even stop mild discomfort. I've been taking double the prescription for a reaction; and there's not much. All I want is something that quickly stops mild discomfort to relax me for sleep. Sleep I have no problem with; just the mild discomfort. (By the way--the pelvic stuff has stopped for now; but that won't stop me from quizzing my surgeon about it. My oncologist probed around my abdomen yesterday; and has no clue what it could be.)

You should see my Mickey Mouse backpack. I carry the pump in it. It's already been voted the cutest bag in the office. They give you a fanny pack to carry it in; but it's not very convenient.

Another strange thing that I wasn't expecting yesterday? I popped a watermelon-flavored sour ball into my mouth and started chewing. There was PAIN. I thought it was the sour; so I bit down on the other side of my mouth. PAIN AGAIN. I had to spit it in the trash. So besides cold, I guess sour gives me an adverse reaction. Fun. I wouldn't have known that this would also be included in the neuropathy.

Day 2 of this infusion is today at 2pm. Only 2 hours this time. Tomorrow, the pump comes off. I'm hoping this time, I can do a pre-emptive strike with the anti-nausea meds. For the first infusion, I had the meds; but I didn't get them filled until the day the pump came off. Nausea woke me up in the middle of the night for that one. Oof.

Well, my husband's keeping the upstairs chilling today; so I'm headed down. My fingers aren't happy with it.

[Hephzibah]

I'm glad you're doing okay through round two - I imagine you feel like Mike Tyson, eh? Only you're body seems to be making it's own ice bags!

I don't recall if you sew, but when I'm cold, I make a cloth bag and fill it with dry pinto beans - then microwave it for a few minutes and it keeps me warm. Since it cools off at a slow rate, it's supposidly safe to sleep with it. It's wonderful in the winter to take to the car for my hands; or stick into bed for my feet.

Thanks for keeping the board updated.

Hephzibah

[Benderson]

Hadn't considered pinto bean bags. I haven't been cold at night; but I sometimes use those gel-filled thingies that came with my 'cancer bag o' goodies' to help ease up the clots in my arms from a couple of prior bad IVs. Of course, I'd be tempted to make cornbread to go with your idea....

Day 2 was today. I'm still a bit lethargic; and even though the pelvic pain is gone, it's replaced by shooting pains here and there in my entire abdomen area. I'm not sure I want to figure that one out. I'm too tired. I napped a bit during the infusion. Took along my big, fuzzy blankie that came in that above-mentioned bag of goodies. Toasty. No coffee or cupcakes today. No appetite again, though. I've had a container of yogurt today; and 5 saltines. That's all. My husband is wanting to order take away from Outback tonight; so I might find something tempting on that menu. I'm just not motivated by appetite, is all.

My fingers are tingling; so the neuropathy is alive and well. I'm sure it has everything to do with the temperature up here on the 2nd floor. Of course, my kitty has monopolized my lap for the past couple of days. Too bad my legs aren't cold. Maybe I can get her to lie on my hands.

I was told tonight by my husband that I should consider selling my car. I already feel too dependent on him financially and otherwise as it is. Even though common sense will eventually prevail, I can't help but feel that the last part of my autonomy is being taken away. When did I turn 80, for Pete's sake?

Yet again, the house stuff is being a pain in the ass. Some of the LAST of the contractors came today to put in the new shower enclosure; and then they discovered that one piece of the custom-cut glass was a couple of inches too short. FOCK! We were told we had 2 options: Wait for new glass to be cut; and they come back in a week OR they would cut a piece of marble for the size deficit to be mounted where those too-short piece go (but they still wouldn't be back until at least Sunday; maybe Monday). Fat chance on Monday; unless they know they're doing the work on Memorial Day. I'm beginning to thing this sh*t will NEVER get done. It has been nice, though, to go through this latest round of chemo and not have to sleep in a room with all the furniture crammed into the middle and junk everywhere.

It's thanks to all this house mess that the medical bills are harder to swallow. It seems like everything that's come our way this year has had a really big price tag on it. Frustrating.

I DON'T WANT TO BE SICK. I DON'T WANT TO COST US MORE MONEY. I can't even get a job to help out; because my schedule has to be flexible for the chemo and for the days I'll be too sick to go to work. No new employer is going to understand that; and that's understandable. They don't know me or my worth to their company. Ugh.

Frustration, thy name is Benderson.

[Hephzibah]

It sounds really frustrating to have so much going on at once. Did you tell the contractor where he could shove that too-short piece of glass? I think I would have been tempted.

I understand about the car. My hubbie has suggested that several times and I always say no. I think that's residual from living in the Great Plains most of my life - take a horse and you get hung without a trial... taking my car is like taking my horse (which I've never owned and only rode one once - but in theory it makes sense).

Beans and rice - did that tempt you at all?

[Benderson]

Ugh. The mere thought of food is just.....ugh. I made myself eat yogurt this morning; because I have to get good bacteria into my system now. The surgery left me without my ileocecal valve; so I run a higher risk of the backup of extra bacteria into my system. Probiotics are supposed to counter that. I also need to investigate if there's such a thing as B12 patches. The part of my colon that was removed was the part that absorbs B12; so shots are in my future unless I can find patches.

I slept most of the day yesterday. The Fridays that the pump comes off are going to be like that, I suppose. So. Tired. I'm trying to do laundry. We'll see how far I get with that. Still. So. Tired.

I think I'll sign off now. I feel a bit of nausea creeping in; so it's time to medicate. Oof.

[Hephzibah]

Benderson,

You're in my thoughts and prayers. Wish I knew something to say that would make this all go away and things would be wonderful for you.