Where am I going; and why am I in this handbasket?

[victoria]

Benderson,

I am so glad that you have the courage and commitment to write about all of this. To get it our of your system and not keep it inside - your body and mind will have that much more energy to address whatever else comes up.

As for the car, why not put the decision off for a couple of weeks? I don't know about your neighborhood, but not too many people are buying anything right now. And you are not costing anybody any money. Life is life, and yours counts just as much if not more than anyone/anything else.

Be good to yourself,
v

[daisy]

Hey B-
no, the cookbook I have is from the city I live in.. so if you want it, I'll be haapy to ship it off. My mom only wanted 'her mother's" cooking- which meant me, since gram taught me all mom's favorites before she died. Chicken soup from scratch and rice pudding were staples.

I hope things are going ok. You're in my prayers
-daisy

[Benderson]

There doesn't seem to be an immediate emergency with the car. He just wanted to talk about money; and the subject was narrowed down to, "I can't pay all the bills and the hospital stuff. I need you to think about selling the car. It'll save us $600/mo." That was the extent of the request and conversation. I don't know if thinking about it will change my resistance to the notion; but I did promise I'd think about it.

My energy ebbs and flows. It seems like it mostly ebbs. I'm trying to get the house back together, now that the big contractor stuff is done. (All that's left is the shower enclosure and the one blown GFCI circuit.) There's also laundry and some cleaning to be done. I'm hoping to fit it into the 'flow' part of my energy cycle. Still. No. Appetite. I've eaten solid food and recognize that it tastes good; but the normal enjoyment isn't there. I'm just eating; because I know I SHOULD eat. An all-liquid diet make restroom activities....um....unpleasant, to say the least. Blar.

I can't decide if I have an honest to goodness sore throat; or if I'm experiencing those mouth sores that are supposed to be a by-product of the chemo. I can feel in the back of my throat with my tongue; and it's one specific spot I can feel that's raw. I'll hazard to guess, for now, that it's a side effect. The pelvic pain is gone; but I now have a pain near my belly button that pulls whenever I do anything sideways like get out of a chair or the bed. It also isn't happy with me when I....um....well....you already know about the potty issues. I try not to be too terribly graphic; but this sh*t ain't pretty. No pun intended; but funny, anyway!

I want everyone to read everything; because there are those out there that think it'll never happen to them. They don't need annual colonoscopies after 40; or any other preventative exam. Guess what? I was that person, too. You NEED them. A bonus? I learned that Aflac supplemental coverage reimburses you for ALL preventative tests with the cancer coverage. Pap smears, colonoscopies, CT scans....whatever is preventative. So, see? You don't have to go broke doing it.

My sister will be here tomorrow. She's spending the night so we can leave at the crack o' dawn for east Texas to see relatives. It's about a 5-hour drive from my area, if I remember correctly. Long story; but this is the part of my family that shut her out of their lives because my grandfather died without a will and she kept her portion of the inheritance (not much) to pay for her tuition. They've sort of come around; but not. They're willing to have us in their lives; provided she NEVER talk about the money. Oh, brother. What a way to have a healthy relationship, huh? Whatever. Sometimes, you just have to accept people where they're at; and do what's healthy for you in conjunction with it. *shrug* I know we'll enjoy the visit, anyway.

I still have to cut an invoice for a client. I keep putting it off, for some reason. Guess I've been too tired to want to do it. I don't even want to do it now; because I feel myself 'ebbing' again.

The offer of the cookbook is sweet, Daisy. Feel free to PM me about it.

[Benderson]

My husband was sweet enough to bring me chicken pot stickers and teriyaki rolls for lunch today. Man, having no appetite sucks. It didn't help that there was something 'mooshy' in the roll that made me reach for my tea (...which then set off the neuropathy in my esophagus. B*tch!) I finished the pot stickers, regardless of hunger level. Needed to eat something; and at least my taste buds recognize when something is tasty. Tonight, he's going all-out. There's going to be crab cakes, scallops and really big shrimp. (I love that oxymoron. Big shrimp. *splorf*) I hope my appetite can keep up. He loves to cook; and I love to oblige him by eating. We make a great team.

The sore in the back of my throat is official. I am now experiencing yet another side effect. Mouth sores. Yippee skippee. I sprayed on Chloroseptic last night; and it helped. I need to get into the habit of the baking soda/salt/water solution gargle that's recommended in all the books.

The process on putting the house back together is slow; but it's coming. It's my fault it's slow; because I'm cleaning out and tossing stuff while I'm doing it. That, in turn, makes my back hurt; which makes me take more frequent breaks than I'd like. (The side effect of fatigue ain't helpin', either.)

I'm feeling a wee bit disturbed; mainly because I can't shake the feeling that I'm somehow getting a hernia as a delayed reaction from the surgery. I have pains in my abdomen I can't explain; and it worries me. Thank goodness for a gastroenterologist appointment on June 10. In the meantime, I'm not lifting much of anything that could exacerbate this potential (and maybe non-existent) problem. That's all I need is more abdominal surgery to fix the after-effects of prior abdominal surgery. Oof.

My hair seems a bit thinner; but it's still there. I was told that thinner could be expected, at most. I'm still crossing my fingers that it's true; because wig shopping just doesn't appeal to me right now. Shoe shopping, on the other hand....

I did notice a difference in the severity of the side effects after the 2nd infusion. Like the nurse said, it wasn't drastic; but I'd hate to imagine the state of affairs come October or November. The sore in the back of my mouth is outward physical evidence that my white cell count is down; and that's only after a 2nd infusion. Oh, my. If I'm getting infused every other week, I believe I'm going to get my ass thoroughly handed to me. SO not looking forward to that. The looks you get on the plane when you wear one of those 95% blocking masks are interesting, to say the least. The last thing I want to do is frighten children. If I do that, I want it to be because I yell 'BOO!'; or put gummi worms in their lunchbox.

Cancer sucks ass. You can quote me on that.

[Hephzibah]

Following along and praying for you. It sounds like you're mentally handling all this stuff like the hero you are!

[Charlie]

I'm feeling a wee bit disturbed; mainly because I can't shake the feeling that I'm somehow getting a hernia as a delayed reaction from the surgery. I have pains in my abdomen I can't explain; and it worries me.

Owch! It's certainly lesser than what you've already been thru, but it's still an abominable abdominal surgery. I was originally going to say that women don't usually get hernias "down there" but I went to a hernia site and it turns out there are a LOT of different kinds, more than one "down there". And of course it doesn't talk at all about people who have already been assaulted by the medical community.

FWIW, until mine got really bad, walking was better than standing. Moving gave some relief. Standing still let my guts ooze thru the gaps.

Oh something else I just thought of. When they fixed me up they put a permanent mesh 'patch' over each hernia. Sometimes they tug. If anything was left behind after your surgery (deliberately, one hopes) it may cause some discomfort.

Regardless, wishing you the best.
Charlie

[Benderson]

'Abominable abdominal'. Say THAT 3 times fast.

The odd pains I'm feeling are mostly to the immediate right of my belly button. It certainly can't be incision-related, could it? I mean, geez--I'm almost 9 weeks post-op, fer Pete's sake! Ugh, just PLEASE no hernia. *crossing fingers and everything else crossable*

My sister is here tonight. She currently sleeping in one of our guest bedrooms. We get up early tomorrow to head to east Texas to visit mutual family; and we're actually looking forward to it. We did some visiting tonight to catch up; since she hasn't seen me in a while. She lives about 45 minutes from me on the southeast side of Houston; and, naturally, I'm on the northwest side. She's also a shiftworker; which limits when we can see each other.

I tried my best to get her to touch the port tonight. "Nah, that's okay." I laughed at her. "It's just a kneecap above my left boob. What's the big deal?" She wasn't convinced. I'm a twisted nut. I managed to get a friend of mine to touch it; because her morbid curiousity won out. The action elicited an EW! of biblical proportions. BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!! I'm so easily amused....

....that is, until I'm reminded they need the BIG needle to access it next Tuesday. *shiver* I'm a pansy.

[Benderson]

Well, the visit with mutual family was very nice. We're already planning a longer visit next month when my sister will take a couple of days of vacation before and after her long change (she's a shift worker) so she doesn't have to be on-call for that long change. During the visit, I only felt barfy once; and I ate like a freakin' horse. Guess my appetite's back again. Of course, it will go away come Tuesday; since that's day 1 of the next infusion....

I somehow managed to trick my grandmother to touch my port. She asked about it; and I said 'Here' and guided her hand there. The look on her face was priceless. I didn't mean to do that to her; but I won't deny that my amusement with it was worth it. I am SO going to Hell for that.

Just to be clear on the port.....it's just under my skin; so it's creepy to people; even me, sometimes. It's basically a lump that's not supposed to be there; so it can certainly be a creepy thing. It doesn't hurt; but I'm always aware that it's there. Luckily, my initial squickiness with regard to it has gone away. It is what it is; and it will be removed when I don't need it anymore. Hopefully, that'll be when my final bloodwork yells the 'all clear' for cancer. I had bloodwork on my last visit (and will for every visit to come); and it was nice for them not to have to stick me in my arms or hands to draw blood. Soooo.....since it's coming in handy, I guess I don't feel the need to be creeped out about it.

I'm still having those odd pains in my abdomen that make me wonder about a hernia. Reckon I'll email my gastroenterologist's nurse to see if what I'm experiencing is normal. I've already been told that it'll be 6 months after the abdominal surgery before I'll really feel normal again; so I'm just going to check and see if this feeling abnormal is normal. (That was funny to type out. Oxymorons are fun.)

I've only had yogurt this morning; so I guess I'd better go poke some more nutrition in my face.

[Benderson]

I slept another 4 hours this afternoon. Damn. I've been as useful today as a bull with tits. I still have a house to put back together.

I came home from my trip yesterday to a new shower enclosure. Might I say that thing is SWEET?!? No frame; all glass. What little hardware it has is brushed nickel. We bought new shower fixtures to install; so we're probably waiting to use the shower until we put those in; and I think it will happen this weekend. YAY!

I was just told by my husband that our first claim check from Aflac is on its way. Wow, was that fast! He spoke to our rep today; and according to him, Aflac doesn't mess around with cancer claims. Because the founder's father died of cancer, they bump them to the top of the list. I won't mention the amount of the check; but suffice it to say that it will certainly handle a few things and ease the pressure.

Yay, they found a tumor! *laugh* That's still a running joke here in my house. Go to the hospital; make money.

[saddkatt]

My heart goes out to you with all that you are going through. My mom just finished up ten months of aggressive chemo and radiation. She just had her port removed last week. And yeah, everything you've talked about, pretty much blow-by-blow, my mom has had too. Except she also lost all her hair.

You are a serious trooper. Stay strong.