Where am I going; and why am I in this handbasket?

[hassan77]

Hey Benderson,

Been following along silently and just thought I would say hello and that you continue to be in my thoughts and prayers.

I know how hard all of this must be but I am so happy to see you've kept a great sense of humor about everything. I almost fell out of my chair reading about your grandmother .

Take care,
Hassan

[luvdabeach2001]

I have been in the same boat as Hassan as I have no idea what to say but want yo to know I am hoping for the best for you.

Never thought about it as a "tumor=money". Like your sense of humor.

Take care and you are in my thoughts.

[Benderson]

I silently follow along in journals, too. Glad to know I'm not the only one. Thanks, EVERYONE, for your well wishes and prayers.

Now that I've pranked my grandmother, I'm itchin' to do it to someone else. (I probably need therapy for that.) Thing is, I have another grandmother that is so into stuff like that. If anyone in the family has surgery that involves stitches or staples, she's just gotta look under the dressing and check it out. She absolutely loved my hip incision. I didn't get a chance to visit her before my abdomen staples came out; so she missed that. (She'll be 91 in August; and the 1-hour trip to see me is hard on her.) When I did get up to her place, the first thing I did is apologize that she missed them. She had a good laugh about that.

It's freakin' HOT here. It's in the 90s; but we Texas Gulf Coast residents also get to enjoy the lovely bonus of bone-crushing humidity. Woo. Nothing like the feeling of melting into your socks. My next trip out of town on business isn't until the end of July; and it's for the annual training my husband's company does yearly in the city where they're based. While it's warm in that region during the summer, I at least get to feel the warmth; and not the sauna. Much better. (I'm hoping my chemo doesn't make me feel like crap for the trip.)

I'll only be 44 in October; but I feel haggard. There are just some days that I feel hacked up like Frankenstein's monster. My fanny tracks don't bother me like the abdominal ones. It's like a huge zipper. Ung. I had a friend tell me that she thinks scars are cool. She says they tell of the trials the person that has them has been through; and that they're stronger for it. I wish bathing suits had that same lovely point of view. Rat bastards. I guess what troubles me most is that I'm not a 'girly girl'. I can be feminine enough and certainly can dress the part; but there are 'girly girl' behaviors I wish I exhibited. I wish I was more in the habit of using girly products like lotions and such. I wish I felt more inclined to wear a little makeup; or at least felt like making the effort. The makeup itself isn't the problem--it's the lack of effort I feel about it. I don't know....maybe the view outside my fishbowl is different; and others see me as girlier than I do. *sigh*

My cat is sitting in her customary spot (under a small table) while Mom is on the computer. She's wadded up like a loaf of bread with a cat head. A naked man just walked by! Good thing it's my husband. He's on his way to the shower.

I wonder if I can get my mom to come down for my next infusion. Mommy time would be nice. Guess if she can't get away, maybe I can coax my father down. It was nice having him with me on my first run. It's fun to watch him charm the nurses.

HIM: What's that all over your face?
NURSE: What?
HIM: All that pretty.

Stinker. Of course, I'm just like him. I don't meet strangers.

Yesterday, we went to Fuddruckers. We both had the 3-Slider combo; which is those teeny burgers with cheese, fries and a drink. My body rebelled. I was the walking dead by the time we got to the grocery store afterward; and I was down in bed for the rest of the day. I need to be more careful about my fat intake; especially since I only have half a colon to work with now. It still isn't accustomed to taking up the slack for the portion that's missing. Guess it's going to take longer than I thought. I need to talk to my gastroenterologist about it when I see him on June 10.

I've just received a request to dash to the grocery store for things we forgot to pick up yesterday. Guess I'll get movin'. *waving goodbye*

[Benderson]

Well, it looks like I'll get more daddy time for my next infusion. (It starts tomorrow.) He'll either get to come tomorrow or Wednesday; depending on the outcome of a medical insurance issue he's having to deal with. Either way, I'll enjoy it. I don't get to see my parents as often as I'd like; even though I see them pretty often in spite of them living 2 hours away. We spoiled him rotten when he was here for the first infusion. All that good food we cooked....he almost didn't go home. If it hadn't been for missing his cat....

One more step in getting the house back together is completed. The dead GFCI unit in our master bath now works. The unit itself wasn't blown like I originally thought--the circuit breaker for it showed to be 'on'; but it wasn't. It was a breaker problem. Replace breaker; have power. Nice. So many other outlets work now, too; including the outdoor ones. (Naturally, they work AFTER the other contractors needed them to work. *snort*) All that's left is getting a plumber out here to install our new shower fixtures. My husband got started on it yesterday; and then decided it was over his head. When we originally bought the fixtures over a month ago, I asked him why we didn't just have the plumber that was already coming out to do other work put those in for us. I got my ass handed to me. I will never tell him, "I told you so"; but I sure as hell did. *sigh*

The bathroom is calling. Damned Crohn's Disease.

[Charlie]

Nice. So many other outlets work now, too; including the outdoor ones. (Naturally, they work AFTER the other contractors needed them to work. *snort*)

Actually that's pretty good timing. If you'd had the outdoor outlets going, the contractors would have probably overloaded and fried the GFCI anyway. Or been grumbling and tracking in and out each time they did something to pop it off and needed to reset it. Houston humidity being what it is, all it takes is an exposed extension cord end, anyway.

Anyway glad the house is (mostly) back in order.

Charlie

[Benderson]

Well, the plumber is supposed to be here between 3pm and 5pm. Hooray!

I'm digging through the living room now. It wasn't one of the rooms that needed repair; but it managed to get all the overflow stuff that had to be moved out of the rooms that were damaged. I'm trying to take it easy; but I feel a little uncomfortable tug around the ol' belly button. I still can't really decide how I want the darn thing arranged when I put the non-living-room stuff back where it's supposed to go. It doesn't help that my husband doesn't want to have his stuff put back in his closet until he can go through it and decide what he wants to donate. Ung. Just DO it, already.

Have I mentioned the oncologist's office gave me a haz-mat suit? The little pump I wear 2 days during treatment could leak; and they want me donning this thing if that should happen. Can't get it ON me; but I can have it IN me. Interesting. That's like the time my husband had a stomach-emptying test done. (He has GERD.) They put isotopes in an egg for him to eat; but told him not to get any on his shirt. What the hell?!? It'll ruin his shirt; but it's okay to eat it. HA! Life sure contains some entertaining sh*t, doesn't it?

I have some decorative metal tiebacks that I bought AGES ago to match the curtain rods that are hanging in the living room. I have no idea why I didn't screw them in; but I think I'll do that today....shake up the look of the windows a bit.

My sister has offered to give me back my computer; now that she has a laptop that she enjoys. I sold it to her MONDO cheap about 4 years ago; and I've regretted it ever since. It has the power I need to run multiple applications, including Photoshop; and I multitask heavily with my work--I need it. I'll still keep this eMachine piece d' caca for more menial tasks; but I'll be glad to be rid of it for a REAL computer. I can't wait to see my kick-ass new monitor get the resolution it REQUIRES that this POS can't deliver. Can you tell I've been frustrated? My husband is somehow convinced that I can build my client base along with properly serving my existing clients with this current computer; and then, monies earned can fund a NEW computer. Um, no. This tank can't handle the load. If I rely on it as heavily as he'd like, I'll lose customers over poor delivery time. Uh-uh. That ain't hap'nin'. My previous computer certainly wasn't perfect; but at least it has more RAM and a better processor.

Round 3 of chemo starting tomorrow; with the pump coming off Thursday. I might be scarce; since I'll have my dad and might feel barfy, to boot. I wonder what new and glorious side effects I can expect this time? I got mouth sores as a newbie last time....

Oof.

[Hephzibah]

Reading along and praying for you. Glad you're getting your old "good" computer back. Glad your dad will be with you tomorrow. Hope the belly pain stops quickly.

[Benderson]

Son of a B*TCH! Having the plumber put in the new shower fixtures meant carving a fvcking HOLE in my newly-painted master bedroom wall. Not only were we charged $525 for that, I had to schedule a sheetrock guy to put the hole back together and paint. More money. Yippee skippee.

Between all this housework and my outrageous medical, I have to sell my car to save $600/mo in payment and insurance. While the practical part of me totally understands this move, the 2-year-old in me is screaming, "NO! MINE!" It's also a symbol of the last of what I see as my autonomy; and it hurts my feelings. I'm even crying as I type this. On the one hand, I feel like a damned crybaby; and, on the other, I feel justified having tears about it. I hate this. This isn't a photo of my actual car; but it's the same style and color--it's a Chrysler Crossfire. http://www.automedia.com/NewCarBuyersGu ... _ext_1.jpg I guess the one comforting thing is that the longest we might have to be a one-car family is a year; and my husband is saying that by then, I could get this cool Lotus he's seen. Um, no. Just get me another Crossfire; because I love it. If you want me to spend more money, I'll just get the high output engine on the next go-round. HA!

The neuropathy is increasing. After treatment yesterday, my arms were numb from the elbows down; and I had a tough time making fists. It got better; but I still had my dad do a u-turn and take me back to the doctor's office. (It hit me as we got into the truck. Wow.) Knowing that it's to be expected is fine; but it was a bit scary until I could get answers. My poor dad. I think being witness to all this is gonna kill him. On the first day of infusion, they have to access the port with a needle; and it's not the nice little plastic tube that's left in your vein like a traditional IV. It looks like the thickness of a sewing machine needle; and it's at least an inch long. He watched the nurse access the port; and while my dad's no wuss, it did make his eyes bug out a bit. He said there was no easing it in--she just jabbed straight in. I told him that's why I don't watch; and just take my instructed deep breath. Still beats an IV stick by a long shot, pain-wise.

There are times I vent about things; but I like to think I'm not being overly whiny or full of self-pity when it comes to the medical mayhem. I'm reminded every time I sit in the doctor's office for my infusions of my extreme good luck in this cancer matter. I met a lovely lady yesterday that can't gain weight; and she's lost all her hair, including eyebrows and eyelashes. Another man I saw during my previous infusion is also receiving radiation. Bless his heart--he had SEVERE radiation burns all up his neck with scabbing and oily medication. The lady I mentioned? She has a CHAMP of a mother-in-law. That woman flew in from NY at the end of February to help out with the family; and is just now able to leave to go back home. She also shaved her head in support of her daughter-in-law. What a gem.

My hair is still thinning a bit, I think; but it's at least doing so uniformly. No bald spots.

....and what's up with my intestines?!? Those buggers STILL can't seem to adjust to having half of my large intestine gone. It is SO NOT COOL that some food coming out looks like it did going in; and looking like it wasn't even chewed. That is just so wrong on so many levels. I guess the bonus about that is now I can time how long it takes for food to go through my system; especially if it's mushrooms. (Hey--I warned you guys early on that some TMI descriptions were coming. I didn't want to disappoint.)

The previous rants were brought to you by the letters 'F' and 'U'. Ung. *banging head*

[Hephzibah]

Wow, what a bummer on the plumber.

What a cute car - I see why you're going to miss it. But it's nice your husband agrees you can get another one when the finances look better. And a souped up engine isn't a bad idea - must be fun to scurry around in city traffic!

It's pretty awesome that you can look at others and still count your blessings. You're one strong woman! You ROCK.

My MD in Tulsa told me humans do not have the enzymes to digest mushrooms - so nobody can digest them. My Mom had 1/3 of her intestines removed and it took the other 2/3 a while to adapt and take up the slack. She did really good after a few months - when it's time to poop, she has about 5 minutes to find a potty but other than that things started working well for her. Could some of that be side effect of the medication? I hope it gets better - don't want you to get malnourished. What would happen if you went to a raw juice diet for at least part of your meals? Then your bowels won't have to work so hard....

Hephzibah

[Benderson]

So...freakin'...TIRED. Zzzzzzz.....

I came home from the 2nd infusion yesterday; and went straight to bed. It was about 5pm, I guess. I even napped at the doctor's office for almost the entire 2-hour infusion. I woke up at 10:30pm, stayed up for a bit with some TV; and then back to sleep around 1am. I slept pretty much straight through until my appointment today at 1:45pm. (I got up and got ready to go at 1:25pm.) All they did was take my pump off; but it was effort getting there.

My intestines have more going against them than just the abdominal surgery. There's the existing Crohn's, of course; and the possibility of extra bacteria in my system now that the ileocecal valve is gone. There may also be the added factor of extra bile production; which would contribute to my Green Apple Quickstep. My oncologist is actually surprised that I'm not constipated; because this particular chemotherapy is supposed to be notorious for that. I guess I have counteractive measures with my other condition. *shrug* Oh, well. Going is always better than NOT going.

My throat was sore when I got up today; and it felt like I couldn't clear it properly. They gave me a prescription at the doctor's office for a gargle that I can use as often as I'd like; and I can also swallow some of it every 4 hours to help things deeper in my throat. They call it a 'compound' prescription; because it had about 5 different medications that are to be mixed into one. I just got a call from the pharmacist; and it looks like I'm going to have to rattle my insurance company's cage. They're refusing to pay for it. I'm finding that I hate ANYTHING having to do with something costing more money.

The bloodwork they ran Tuesday shows I'm very low on potassium; so I need to pick up a supplement when I head to the drugstore to pick up my prescription. They wanted to run a standard IV of potassium on me yesterday; and I refused it. My last experience was not so good, if you guys remember from my original post. There's that bad history; and I'll take any opportunity to avoid an IV stick. It's the Crohn's and the prednesone I'm taking that contribute to the potassium drop; along with the...um...potty issues.

The sheetrock guy was supposed to be here between 1 and 2; and didn't make it. I called him around 3:45pm; and his brakes had gone out on his truck. He didn't think he'd be sidetracked with it for long; so he left my paperwork, along with another client's, at home. It kept him from calling us about his problem. I rescheduled him for Saturday.

'Bummer on the plumber'. LU, you was a poet; and didn't know it.

A nap is knocking on my forehead right now. I think I'll answer it. Zzzzzz...