I_Am_Filth's Progress to Happiness

[I_Am_Filth]

Day 1 - May 21,2008

I start today. Again that is. I've tried quitting P & M before, but to no avail, nothing has worked. This will be my first to try a journal though, so here's hoping. I find myself very stressed. I'm getting deployed to Iraq soon, so that stress, plus the stress from being newly wedded, plus the stress from the immense guilt of not being able to control my sexual habits is about to kill me. I started P & M when I was about 12 or 13. I was able to successfully quit for a year. Then I don't know what happened, I just got bored or lonely or something and I started up again. Since then I have been up and down, fighting a monster that has won a lot and lost a few. I went to boot camp and for 3 1/2 months I was clean from P & M. When I got home it took about a month until I slipped back into my old habits, yet again. At this point I became depressed. I hardly talk to anyone. I have no friends except for coworkers and my wife and family. I don't have any hobbies. I do the same monotonous job everyday, just to come home, watch T.V. and then go to bed. Life is boring, and at times lonely. I need a change. I try to exercise and I seem to be energy less. I try reading scriptures, but every time I try my wife makes fun of me or I just can't get into it. Last month I started a chart at work. It's pretty secretive, but I know what it means. Each day I look and P & M I put a big bold slash through the day. For each day I'm clean I just put a regular slash. So far for the Month of May I've looked at P & M 5 times this month. It seems like it's patterned at about 3-4 days. I feel good about my slashes because it proves to myself that I'm actually trying. And that makes me feel better about myself, that I'm trying. I'm about to start reading Ten Keys and I'm praying that it helps me kick the habit. For many, many years I pushed it aside thinking that it wasn't an addiction, but today I finally realized it was. I'm only 23, and I want control of my life. I don't want this to control me. I'm better than that. I'm a good guy. I attend church every Sunday. I do everything I'm suppose to do, except P & M. My religious leaders are frightening to talk to, so I don't feel comfortable talking to them, but I feel good about this forum board. Finally I get to share my story and get support from those who are sharing the same habits and have kicked them. I'm so happy I stumbled across this website. May God grant me forgiveness, for I am trying to be a better person. I am trying to do the right thing. I am trying to be free from sin once again. God... Please help me...

[I_Am_Filth]

Day 2 - May 22, 2008

I am doing better than yesterday. I feel like this may just work. God, I pray that it does. Hopefully today I will be able to start reading Ten Keys. I'm pretty excited to read it.

[REDEMPTION]

Day 3 - May 23, 2008

I've changed my name to REDEMPTION. Nina convinced me that having the name of "I_Am_Filth" wasn't healthy for my recovery. Yesterday I read Ten Keys all the way through. It is one amazing book. It has changed my life forever. Today it's been 4 days since my last relapse. I know it's not much, but I seriously don't have the desire to look at P & M. The urge has left me for a little while, but yet I'm sure it will return. I feel so much better. 4 days ago I was more depressed than I have ever been in my entire life. It's amazing at the difference. For once in my life I feel like I can actually kick this bad habit. I decided today that I need an accountabiblity partner. I'm looking for one through the support board so hopefully someone's willing to help me out.

[REDEMPTION]

Day 4 - May 24, 2008

I have zero temptation and it's great! I'm on a computer right now with absolutely no will to look at P & MB. I bought an actual journal 2 days ago and yesterday I wrote my first entry. It feels really good to write and express yourself. Plus, it's a health activity that keeps me away from any kind of temptation. It seems as if this website has drawn me to use my computer time for a reason, not just to be on and surfing the web. I think that was my biggest problem. I had too much time to do whatever I wanted on the internet. Now I'm restricting my time used on the computer and doing more healthy activities. Today I got a PM from someone pretty much in my same shoes as far as sobriety goes and he wants to be an accountability partner for me. I'm planning on calling him when I am in the middle of temptation and need someone to help me and talk me out of it. But anyways, today I'm feeling great!!

[REDEMPTION]

Day 6 - May 26, 2008

Doing great and staying clean! Feeling great! Had a wonderful Sober weekend! The Accountability Partner thing is still up in the air. I'm still looking for someone to help me!

[REDEMPTION]

Day 7 - May 27, 2008

Temptation is strong right now. Insanely strong. The beast keeps trying to convince me to relapse. I'm trying hard to overcome. I NEED AN ACCOUNTABILITY PARTNER! I'm hoping I survive the day!

[REDEMPTION]

Day 8 - May 28, 2008

Starting all over again... I slipped.... I fell... It hurt. I've never been tempted so much in my life it seems. I fought the beast for about 5 hours or so and finally it ended up winning. Gosh, he was so strong. I feel that next time I can withstand him longer. I know that I will be able to quit completely one day. I just know it. I did go for a longer period of time in between relapses though, so there's an improvement...

[REDEMPTION]

Day 10 - May 30, 2008

3 days sober. I'm going to 3 weeks of Annual Training tomorrow for the ARMY. I'll be out in the woods with no laundry and cold showers. My goal is to stay sober for those 21 days. It shouldn't be that hard right? This will be the longest my wife and I have been separated since our marriage. It's gonna be hard on her. I can see it already. I'm pretty much dreading it just because I know it's gonna suck. The days are going to be long and the food is gonna suck - that's a given.

[Bob is not my name]

PM me, I can be your accountability partner if you want.

[vesparse]

I have a calendar like yours at work to. I also put the number of hours wasted next to the Xs so I can add them up. Last year it was about 102 hours, this year's at 37 hours.